Joe Bob Briggs

Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, TX

I have a question for the Lesbos.
Is it possible to turn Lesbo?
People talk about this all the time. They say, "Well, after that third divorce, she just went plumb lesbo on us."

Or they say, "She's a lesbian, but she has a boyfriend. She's just doing it 'till she gets out of college."

Or they say, "She didn't become a lesbo until she met Bambi. They just sort of hit it off."

Now, the only reason I ask is that, for the last 30 years, the whole gay-rights movement has been trying to drum it into everybody that being gay is not a choice.

It's somethin' you are. Somethin' you're born with. In fact, the debate on this subject is guaranteed to start riots in most parts of Greenwich Village and every block of Castro Street.

Being gay is not somethin' you do, or don't do, dependin' on how you feel that day.

So what I'm askin', because I really don't know the answer, and please don't kill me for askin', is:

Which is it? Are you born a lesbo? Or do you become a lesbo?
Are there 2-year-old lesbos walkin' around out there, hopin' they can grow up and dress up like NFL linebackers?

Or are they hetero until they get to be 15, then they get burned by a jerk boyfriend, then they start shoppin' at the Timberland boot store?

I really wanna know. I really do. Somebody please tell me. I can't figure out everything.

Speaking of great trends in modern American culture, we have yet another topless-bar flick this week--Midnight Tease, starring the two enormous talents of Cassandra Leigh.

Cassandra is a perfectly happy dancer in a Nekkid Garbonza Joint who decides that something might be wrong when she starts having dreams where she slits the throats of all her customers and all the other dancers.

She tells her sad story to sympathetic psychiatrist Edmund Halley, and pretty soon the shrink is down at the club, sittin' on the front row, doling out twenties for table dances.

This makes Cassandra just a little upset, but she's got much bigger things to worry about, because all the dancers she dreamed were dying, are dying.

Is it the jerk bartender J.J.?
Is it the drooling shrink?
Is it Cassandra herself? She just doesn't know it yet?

Is it Cassandra's new big-breasted roommate, the young, innocent Amy, who just hit town and hopes to make it big as a topless dancer?

Is it...well, whoever it is, all I got to say is that we got a whole lot of G-strings here, and we got some serious flesh flounder.

My kinda flick.
Ten dead bodies. One hundred twenty-six breasts. (Best of '94.) Multiple throat-slitting. Obligatory incest subplot. Bloody fruit. Aardvarking. S&M Fu.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for: Stephanie Sumers, a long-haired blonde who works in a cowgirl outfit and says, "God, I hate men." Rachel Reed, as the Goody Two-Shoes New Girl who says, "You're the nicest person I've ever met" and "Do you really think I'll get to dance someday?" Ashley Riley, the blonde dancer who works in a white bikini and says, "God, I hate men--maybe I'll become a lesbian--on second thought, I hate women, too." Todd Joseph, as the kinky sleazoid bartender with a switchblade who screams, "I should call your truant officer!" And Cassandra Leigh, as the troubled young dancer-with-a-heart-of-darkness who says, "Is this what you came here for? You wanna see me naked?" and "You're just like the rest of 'em! You make me sick!" and "I take off my clothes for hundreds of men every night. Sometimes I even like it."

Three and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

Joe Bob's Find That Flick
This week's noggin-scrambler comes from...Will Safford of Albany, N.Y.: "There were three basic groups in this movie. The basic zombies running around the woods, eating people. The High Priest with his army. The normal people-scientists-etc. who were just trying to live. The Head Zombie (or Priest) extended his life by sucking the life-force-blood-whatever out of virgins-women. The priest group wanted the women from the normal group as a source for their High Priest. There were basic thugs running around, driving trucks. They also wanted to capture a rocket guy, so they could conquer the world. The rocket guy is a salient point, distinguishing this movie from others of its ilk. The guy had a helmet and shoulder launchers, with model rockets mounted thereto. When I say model rockets, I mean these were recognizable kits straight off hobby store shelves. He would launch them at objects, the models would fly through the air, then would allegedly blow up whatever was aimed at. That's about what we can remember."

A video will be awarded to the correct answer. In the event of a tie, a drawing will be held.

Send "Find That Flick" questions and solutions to Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221, or fax them to 214-985-7448.

We Have a Winner!
Jim Lynch of Denison, Texas, wrote: "In the early-to-mid-'70s, my friend Hoppy and I stumbled into an artsy theater near Lemmon and Cedar Springs in Dallas, Texas, expecting to see some T & A. Imagine our surprise when this bizarro spaghetti-western-type film unreeled before our bleary, drugged eyeballs. To this day, we will never forget some of the more gruesome scenes: underground people escaping nuclear holocaust-type conditions wreaked by the outlaw bandidos; mutilated animals with exposed innards; fly-covered, bloated carcasses strewn willy-nilly over the countryside; subhuman gunfight featuring a couple of paraplegics strapped together with ammo belts. One was armless, one legless, but together they formed one bad mutha; super close-up of bad guy deep-throating a 12-gauge, double-barrelled shotgun before his last thoughts hit the fan. Yuk."

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