By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Lo and behold, Anders up and got married--to News gossip columnist Helen Bryant. (OK, Helen, it's presumptuous, but we have to figure that Anders', um, needs are being met.)
Unfortunately, the man whose reservoir of ideas is so dry that he is desperately compelled to share his every personal moment with his readers didn't take all our advice. He felt it necessary to write a gut-wrenching (though not for the usual reasons) column about his and Bryant's honeymoon that had us scrambling for insulin.
The mind reels at the potential for future Anders columns: a humorous row erupts when John spills a beer on a vital fax from The Mansion. The couple gets into a drunken brawl with other barflies at the Winedale Tavern over a bad pun. And this spring, of course, a column on John and Helen gamboling au naturel through the bluebells.
Contract on America
The country needed no better proof that Bill Clinton's presidency is adrift than when word leaked out that he spent a recent weekend at Camp David with two motivational gurus, Anthony "Unlimited Power" Robbins, the guy who popularized firewalking, and Stephen "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" Covey.
What wasn't mentioned, however, was the Dallas connection. Both motivational giants owe much of their phenomenal success to Dallas literary agent Jan Miller, who signed them with Simon & Schuster.
We figure, why should Bill stop there? Miller's got a stable of power celebs who could put the Clinton administration back on track. Who better for secretary of health and human services than Susan "Stop the Insanity!" Powter? And Ravi "The Great Depression of 1989" Batra for chairman of the Federal Reserve Board? How about techno-thriller author Payne "Storming Intrepid" Harrison for defense secretary? And Paul "The Lady is a Tiger" Coggins, who writes novels about fictitious DEA agent Steven Dart and moonlights as a U.S. attorney, to mop up the war on drugs? Finally, Miller herself could be just the ticket to get the National Endowment for the Arts paying its own way. How about a Karen Finley workout video?
Cons don't make passes at pols who wear glasses
Yo! John Wiley Price, what is it with those specs? We spotted the huge goggles that remind us of something we wore in high school shop class during the Dallas County Commissioner's speech to the Dallas Bar Association--for which Price was temporarily sprung from the county slammer. Since the commissioner obviously wasn't taking a break from the racquetball court and cons don't run license plate stamping machines at the county jail, we could only assume Price's bifocals-on-steroids are a fashion statement.
Buzz us at 757-8439 (voice) or 757-8593 (fax) or via Internet at email@example.com. Luddites can reach us at P.O. Box 190289, Dallas, 75219.