By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Alice Laussade
By Scott Reitz
By Claire Lawton
By Kiernan Maletsky
By Anna Merlan
Voting in the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards continues apace, except I don't really know what "apace" means.
Anyhow, you still have time to vote. The only requirement is that you've seen at least 60 of the year's grade-B exploitation releases.
The number is so high because we know you're gonna lie about it and we figure that'll bring the true figure down to about 40.
Withal, herewith, and hereafter, behold the nominees in another four categories for the coveted 1996 Hubby.
Best Erotic Thriller
* Friend of the Family, the story of a dysfunctional Malibu family that solves all of its problems after an oversexed good-time girl named Elke shows up and starts getting intimate with Mom, Dad, Sis, and Junior.
* Intimate Deception, the story of a scruffy, frustrated painter who keeps having these nightmares about the young burglar he blew away three months ago, then rents out a room in his beach house to an oversexed bombshell who teaches him the real meaning of Aardvarkus Suburbicus.
* Married People, Single Sex 2: For Better or Worse, the Stare-at-My-Navel-and-Whine-a-Lot Dysfunctional-Sex Tape about three miserable couples who get together by the pool and talk about their kids, about settling down, about how happy they are and, of course, about orgies.
* Nightfire, the 37,000th Shannon Tweed erotic thriller of the decade, about a couple of rough-sex swingers who have car trouble and get stranded for the weekend at Shannon's ranch, where Shannon is trying to patch up her marriage with slimeball John Laughlin, who likes to get nekkid and play with a pistol in the hot tub.
* Private Lessons: Another Story, the moving story of the search for the sexiest bikini model in Miami.
Best Sci-Fi Flick
* Cyberstalker: Basic Instinct meets Tron in Newt Gingrich's worst nightmare, the story of a nerdy, geeky, cybersurfing femme fatale who loves her computer so much that she has sex with it, becomes half-woman and half-computer, then goes around town killing whoever doesn't have the proper respect for really cool software.
* Mind Ripper, the old science-experiment-goes-wacko plot, with a bunch of biology geeks who live in an abandoned nuke site out in the desert and end up being chased by a baldheaded, brain-eating bodybuilder with a 9-inch tongue that has a shark tooth on the end of it.
* Oblivion, a cowboys-and-aliens cross between Gunsmoke, Attack of the Crab Monsters, and the nightclub scene of Star Wars.
A one-eyed, lizard-skinned alien lands his spaceship on a desert planet, loads up on Killer Draconium and kills the town marshal of the little town of Oblivion.
* Shatter Dead, the story of a post-plague world where nobody can die anymore.
As soon as their insides are drained of blood, the inhabitants become walking, talking zombies with no desires except to hang out on the streets like homeless people and listen to a Preacher Man tell 'em what to do.
* Space Freaks From the Planet Mutoid, in which Denis Adam Zervos saves the world from nuclear destruction by singing eight soft-rock songs about peace and love--songs so powerful they destroy a 10-foot, purple-faced space-alien creature who goes around New York City encouraging people to mug one another.
Best Kung Fu Flick
* The Expert: When Jeff Speakman's sister gets wasted by a sex-pervert, computer-geek serial killer and The System decides to put him in a mental hospital instead of frying him to death, like God intended, Speakman takes on the entire Death Row population of the state of Tennessee.
* Jungleground, a futuristic kung-fu damsel-in-distress epic starring Roddy Piper as a cop who journeys into an urban "no man's land" and is captured by roller-blading punk religious leaders with automatic weapons who decide to use him as a human guinea pig in the run-real-fast-and-we-might-not-kill-you game.
* Ring of Fire III: Don The Dragon Wilson returns as the mild-mannered doctor who heals by day, kills by night, and takes on the Italian Mafia and the Russian Mafia while rescuing his real-life son, Jonathon Wilson, from vicious rednecks, biker gangs, and KGB hitmen while falling in love with Desert-Storm-veteran-turned-forest-ranger Bobbie Phillips and uttering the minimum amount of dialogue.
* Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D., the sensitive story of a New York cop who goes to the kabuki theatre on the wrong night and ends up being inhabited by the soul of a samurai warrior in kabuki makeup and a kimono while automatic-weapons fire erupts on the stage.
* Street Angels, the goofball action satire about a wisecracking El Lay cop who quits the force so he can recruit a team of depraved prison babes to hit the streets and take out the punks who are terrorizing the innocent.
* Danny Bonaduce, America's Deadliest Home Video, as the video nerd who falls in love with a gun moll on a cross-country killing spree.
* Robert Davi, The Dangerous, as a motorcycle-riding lone wolf. He speaks Japanese and understands the emotions of killer ninjas, so the police chief brings him out of retirement and turns him loose with several assault weapons in a cemetery full of drug goons.
* Matt McCoy, Hard Bounty, as the Clint Eastwood-type bounty hunter who likes to make the sign of the knock-kneed woolly walrus with Kelly LeBrock when he's hanging around the dusty little town of No Trees.
* George Saunders, Intimate Deception, as the haunted artist surrounded by nekkid women who can't understand why he gets so much sex in one movie; and for Street Angels, where he plays the wisecracking cop who makes long speeches about the fighting abilities of fish.
Copyright ©1996 Joe Bob Briggs (Distributed by NYT Special Features/Syndication Sales)
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