Hello, Dallas! DART Light Rail is here

With a public-relations extravaganza fit for a Royal Divorce, DART inaugurated its zippy new $900 million train set last week, finally bringing commuter-rail service to Dallas.

There were opening-day parties, bevies of dignitaries, television specials, and fawning newspaper accounts. Journalists, in particular, were inundated with mounds of information on the new rail system.

Now that the hype is ebbing somewhat, the Dallas Observer felt it only fair that our readers get to see for themselves some of the beautiful brochures and promotional materials DART published for this momentous event.

Staff writer David Pasztor has sifted through the stacks of DART propaganda, and selected these highlights to share with Observer readers.

Look for these planned routes in DARTLight Rail's future...

Route NameStops
The Roy Tarpley Line
Reunion Arena
Rehab Clinic
Reunion Arena
Rehab Clinic

The Al Lipscomb Line
Schepps Dairy
NationsBank
City Hall
Bankruptcy Court

The Dennis Pedini Line
Valley Ranch
Channel 5
Lew Sterrett

The Walker Railey Line
Fondren Library
His garage
Fondren Library
California

The Robert Tilton Extension
Texas Liquors
Condoms R Us
Redemption
Damnation
Divorce Court

The Richie Meyer Line
KERA
Scuba City
Worldwide Travel
Cancun

Let's make Light Rail fun!
We don't want customers just to ride our new trains. We want you to have FUN and be a part of DART Light Rail as it grows. We are confident that Light Rail will become part of the fabric--and history--of our community. There is so much yet to happen!

That's why DART has teamed up with KXAS-TV Channel 5 to challenge our customers with this "Predict the Future Quiz." Do you think YOU can accurately forecast what fate holds for DART Light Rail?

To enter our contest, simply read the following quiz questions, and mark your predictions. Mail your completed entry to DART no later than July 31.

Our contest winner will receive a FREE MONTHLY PASS for all DART services, and be paid $6,000 to appear on a future installment of the wacky Channel 5 show, "Public Defenders," with host and KXAS personality Marty Griffin. DUST OFF THOSE CRYSTAL BALLS!

1) The first suicide on Dart Light Rail will occur when someone throws themselves in front of an oncoming train on the:

__ Blue Line
__ Red Line

Bonus Question: If the deceased leaves a suicide note, it will:

__ Be laced with bitterness and irony
__ Be witty in a melancholy sort of way
__ Blame everything on the Zionist Occupation Government
__ Be made into a movie starring Danny Bonaduce

2)The media will nickname the first infant born on a DART Light Rail train:

__ Baby Blue
__ Baby Red
__ Li'l Gearbox
__ Straphanger
__ Baby Zoo Station

Bonus Question--After the child is delivered, the mother will be expected to pay an additional:

__ Half fare
__ Full fare

3) The first time a DART Light Rail train is stranded by a power outage, passengers will:

__ Sing and share their food
__ Eat their dead

Bonus Question: Surviving relatives of the first person killed on DART Light Rail will be represented in their lawsuit by:

__ Windle Turley
__ Other

4) For his first performance-art appearance at a DART station, John Wiley Price will wear:

__ His swimming goggles
__ His muscle shirt
__ A disagreeable scowl

Bonus Question: When he pickets, Price will be demanding:

__ That DART pay more attention to Price
__ That the public pay more attention to Price
__ That the media pay more attention to Price
__ That DART contractors pay more to Price

5) The next movie Oliver Stone films in Dallas will implicate DART Light Rail in:

__ Vincent Foster's suicide
__ The failure of New Coke
__ The breakup of The Doors
__ The vacant spirituality of a society fractured by class struggle
__ Downsizing

Bonus Question: In the movie, Kevin Costner's character will be:

__ Part man, part fish
__ Part man, part lawyer
__ Part man, part train

6) The first alternative species to be struck and killed by a DART Light Rail train will be:

__ A labrador retriever named Tawny
__ A stray Longhorn
__ A chicken fleeing Bo Pilgrim
__ Dennis Rodman

Bonus Question: Passengers interviewed after the accident will say:

__ It sounded like a freight train
__ You never heard such squealing

7) The first couple to marry on a DART Light Rail train will eventually seek a divorce because:

__ They find out they are cousins
__ They still have no lives
__ Helen Bryant and John Anders keep calling for double dates
__ His ride is over when her train's just leaving the station

Bonus Question: As their marriage unravels, the couple will forestall the inevitable by seeking marital advice from:

__ Robert Tilton
__ Walker Railey
__ Garner Ted Armstrong
__ Cullen Davis

8) The first multiple fatalities on DART Light Rail will result from:

__ A domestic dispute gone postal
__ An escalating disagreement over handicapped seats
__ A despondent transit policeman
__ A train plunging into the Trinity River

Bonus Question: The crater left by a fully loaded DART Light Rail train plunging into the Trinity River will be:

__ Smaller than a ValuJet
__ Wider than a ValuJet
__ Drier than a ValuJet

9) The first federal district judge to take control of the DART Light Rail system will be:

__ Jerry Buchmeyer
__ Barefoot Sanders
__ William Wayne Justice

Bonus Question: The judge will order construction of a new DART Light Rail line based on his reading of:

__ The Voting Rights Act
__ The Cruel and Unusual Punishment Clause of the Constitution
__ The Complete Works of Ren and Stimpy