Joe Bob Briggs

Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, TX

Once again, the Hollywood Foreign Press Corps has forced us into a crisis situation, so I am announcing the winners of the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards one week early. The late announcement this year was believed to be hampering peace efforts in both Bosnia and the Golan Heights, as otherwise cooperative parties became grumpy while awaiting word from Grapevine.

Henceforth, without further adieu, our first category is...

Best Airhead Sex Flick
Turnaround, an erotic jungle-sex comedy about an unemployed actress who daydreams about drinking hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and having wild sex like they do in paperback novels. She gets her chance when she's chased by masked gunmen to the Costa Rican valley of the white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping, cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.

Best Director
The runners-up are...
Kim Henkel, Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Jack Perez, America's Deadliest Home Video.
Fred Olen Ray, Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold.
Anthony Waller, Mute Witness.
Howard Winters, Dead Boyz Can't Fly.
And the winner is...
George Saunders, Intimate Deception and Street Angels.

Best Sci-Fi Flick
Cyberstalker: Basic Instinct meets Tron in Newt Gingrich's worst nightmare, the story of a nerdy, geeky cybersurfing femme fatale who loves her computer so much she has sex with it and becomes half-woman, half-computer, then kills whomever doesn't have the proper respect for really cool software.

Best Actor
The runners-up are...
Danny Bonaduce, America's Deadliest Home Video, as the video nerd who falls in love with the gun moll on a cross-country killing spree.

Robert Davi, The Dangerous, as a motorcycle-riding lone wolf who speaks Japanese and understands the emotions of killer ninjas, so the police chief brings him out of retirement and turns him loose with several assault weapons in a cemetery full of drug goons.

And the winner is...
George Saunders, Intimate Deception, as the haunted artist surrounded by nekkid women who can't understand why he gets so much sex in one movie; and Street Angels, as the wisecracking cop who makes long speeches about the fighting abilities of fish.

Best Actress
The runners-up are...
Debbie Rochon, Abducted II: The Reunion, as the junk-food-eating redhead who describes her old boyfriend by saying, "I like animals."

Kathy Shower, Married People, Single Sex 2: For Better or Worse, as the neglected wife packing up all her stuff, putting the kids in the station wagon, and getting away from the lying no-good scumball she's married to.

And the winner is...
Steen, Turnaround, as the oversexed blonde who daydreams about traveling to Costa Rica, drinking some weird jungle drugs, and making love to a nekkid Indian while he finger-paints all over her body--but settles for hot sex with goofball con man Fred Lehne.

Breast Actress
The runners-up are...
Paula Barbieri, The Dangerous, as the mysterious girlfriend who wears a micromini and high heels throughout the flick, including the scenes where she's being chased by mobsters with automatic weapons.

Lissa Boyle, Friend of the Family, as the hot-to-trot daughter known at the high school as a United Way Agency; and Intimate Deception, as the knockout nude model who loves her work, saying, "I look at myself as an essential ingredient in the art of creation."

Theresa Morris, Private Lessons: Another Story, the hot little party girl who just keeps dancing out onto the roof of the trendy South Beach disco, where then she strips and does the Horizontal Hustle in front of a neon sign.

J.J. North, Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold, in the title role, for saying, "Help me, I'm huge!" and, "I'm a big girl--I can take care of myself."

And the winner is...
Patti Davis, Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis, wherein she reveals her weakness for "guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that end up being your downfall"--a preference that is somehow related to her memories of bodysurfing with her father.

"Water has always been a very healing thing for me," she says, right before a hunk walks out of the surf and starts kissing every inch of her hula-skirted bod.

This is right before the sci-fi fantasy where she dresses like a hooker, dials up the perfect man and the perfect woman on her computer, then waits for them to appear in a cloud of dry ice, tie her to the bed, and basically make her into a sandwich.

Best Femme-Fatale
Shauna O'Brien, Friend of the Family, as the walking Goodwill box who rings the doorbell one day, introduces herself to the stepmom as an old friend of a friend, and ends up installed in the guest house, where she has sex with everyone in the family.

Most Breasts
Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis: 90.

Best Flick
The runners-up are...
Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold, the epic starring J.J. North as the ditzy blonde who takes just a few too many breast-enhancement drugs and ends up stomping around Malibu like the Godzilla Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the first decent sequel to the greatest drive-in movie ever made, about two prom-night couples who get lost out on the highway, where a creepy redneck named W.E. roams around in a satanic wrecker, collecting bodies and quoting literature and trapping teen-age girls in gunny sacks.

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