By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Alice Laussade
By Scott Reitz
By Claire Lawton
By Kiernan Maletsky
By Anna Merlan
Every time I try to play poker in peace, like God intended, Cherry Dilday starts screaming: "I wanna go! I wanna go! I wanna go!"
There's a reason why women have been banned from poker games since the beginning of time. Lemme splain it here for you.
First of all, they don't REALLY wanna go. They SAY they wanna go. They ACT like they wanna watch a bunch of guys play poker. And sometimes, God forbid, they even say they wanna PLAY THE GAME THEMSELVES.
But what happens when they get there? They wanna talk about the French onion dip. They wanna talk about the color of the tablecloth. They wanna say things like, "That's FUNNY the way you shuffle." In other words, they wanna concentrate on everything except THE GOLDURN POKER GAME.
Secondly, this really happened to me. I was showing two jacks up against Chubb Fricke's two queens in seven-card stud one night, and on the last card he checked, I pushed a hunnerd dollars in chips into the pot, KNOWING THAT HE HAD ME BEAT. And Chubb sat there for a LOOOOOOOONG time, trying to decide what to do.
Meanwhile, Cherry is hovering around the table, bringing me drinks and stuff, and she asks to look at my hand. So I show it to her, and then she says, "I have to go to the ladies room."
She LEAVES the dang table. She acts like she could CARE LESS what happens. Chubb grins at me, pushes $200 into the pot. He knew that, if I had a hand, Cherry would have stuck around to see us play it out. I had him bluffed, and she UNBLUFFED HIM.
The only thing worse than having women at the poker table is having women in the game. I played against a group of women one time, checked on three queens, held four of them in a pretty sizable pot with weak hands. I checked on the showdown round, then raised the limit when the betting got back to me. The last two in both called me and I raked in quite a pile, and then all these women ATTACKED ME, claiming it was against the rules to check on a good hand and then raise the limit. They didn't think it was "nice."
Poker is NOT NICE. Whoever said poker was NICE? Poker is one guy trying to take away every OTHER guy's money. Poker is NASTY. There was only one woman I ever met who could play poker, and she was a 350-pound lesbo. Normally, it's just NOT IN THE GENES.
Listen, guys, I'm telling you. Do NOT relax the age-old rule. Send 'em to day spas. Give 'em tickets to the ballet. Do ANYTHING, but do NOT let 'em near that table. I do NOT wanna have to tell you again.
And speaking of all-devouring female predators, the movie of the week is Huntress: Spirit of the Night, starring Jenna Bodnar as the bodacious redhead who travels to a tiny Welsh village for her father's funeral, stays too long and turns into a sex-crazed flashing-eyed nekkid she-wolf.
Will she be able to have a traditional relationship with her cave-dwelling photographer boyfriend, or will the beady-eyed wolf-hunter gun her down first?
Then there's the sultry lesbo who gives Jenna the aphrodisiac knockout drops to try to get control of the rare Impressionist paintings in her basement, while all this time, all Jenna really wants is to run nekkid through the woods, partying with the animals.
Sure we've seen it before, but have we seen it with an all-Romanian supporting cast? I think not.
It's stylish and weird and hard to describe--not surprising, since it was directed by Mark Manos, who did the great Liquid Dreams in 1992. Mark is definitely a drive-in kinda guy, and he's knows how to shoot his sex scenes. This is some of the most original aardvarking in recent drive-in history. Outstanding.
Three dead bodies. Thirty-one breasts. Multiple aardvarking. Multiple sexual daydreams. Eerie lights that zap innocent young women into total nekkidness. Wolf-drooling. Erotic outdoor animalistic writhing. (You had to be there.)
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for:
*David Starzyk, as the too-cool young nobleman who says, "A great building is like a beautiful woman!"
*Jenna Bodnar, as the young she-wolf heiress who has a wild drunken threesome and then says, "I'm not usually like that" and, later, "Something has changed since I've been here--something inside of me."
*And Mark Manos, the director, for doing things the drive-in way.
Joe Bob says check it out.
Joe Bob's Find That Flick
This week's brain boggler comes from Dr. Evan M. Torch of Atlanta: "In the 1950s, there were a few of what I would call 'misunderstood persecuted aliens who meant well' pictures.
"For some 30 years I have been trying to track down the title of a movie where, in the last two minutes, the visitor from another world decides to use his unlimited benevolent powers to cure the paralyzed (or semiparalyzed) legs of this crippled kid who has befriended him.
"The alien is a human or humanoid. Can you tell me this picture's title?"
Send questions and solutions to "Find That Flick" to Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221 or fax him at 213-462-5982. Joe Bob even hangs out on the Internet: email@example.com.
©1996 Joe Bob Briggs (Distributed by NYT Special Features)
Join My Voice Nation for free stuff, film info & more!
Find everything you're looking for in your city
Find the best happy hour deals in your city
Get today's exclusive deals at savings of anywhere from 50-90%
Check out the hottest list of places and things to do around your city