How low will they go?

Back when the Dallas Cowboys were winning Super Bowls--instead of leading the league in the number of players suspended for drug infractions--corporate heavyweights like Nike and Pepsi were eager to court America's Team.

But this year it's a little different. Sunday's Super Bowl passed with no Cowboys, and the team's reputation is lower than a West Texas creek. Sure, Michael Irvin and Erik Williams have been cleared of what police now say was a fabricated rape allegation. But Irvin is still on probation after pleading no contest to drug possession. You remember--right after The Playmaker was caught diddling with topless dancers, a sackful of sex toys, and plates of coke in a motel room.

And Williams still has that well-lubricated car accident on his record, not to mention the previous rape allegation against him, which was dropped after the would-be victim decided not to press charges.

Then there's Leon Lett flunking his league drug test, and Deion Sanders' wife filing--then withdrawing--a divorce petition accusing Prime Time of being a less-than-loving husband.

Even team owner Jerry Jones has admitted that the Cowboys need to gussy up their image.

Since their off-season began earlier than usual, team members are undoubtedly casting about for product endorsements to flesh out the ol' bank accounts.

The team's star is a bit tarnished, and image-conscious companies might be a little gun-shy about hiring Cowboys as pitchmen. But if some of the Cowboys are willing to lower their sights, they might still pick up endorsement money during the off-season.

In the spirit of community healing, Dallas Observer editors David Pasztor and Glen Warchol offer these utterly contrived possibilities for future Cowboys endorsements.

Opening Soon!
The movie your parents don't want you to see!

Barry Switzer's Boys Town
Barry Switzer plays the lovable head coach with attention deficit disorder, guiding his 'Boys through mayhem and mirth as they battle:

*Crazed Drug Pushers! *Silicone-Addled Hookers! *Pesky Cops!
*Pushy Process Servers!
all trying to keep America's Team from reaching the Super Bowl! Can Barry keep his players' fines down and zippers up as they march toward the championship?

Don't bet on it!

The critics rave about "Barry Switzer's Boys Town":
"Hither and yon, back in the good old days, when whiskey was cheap and men were kings..."
--Blackie Sherrod

"Who Plays Me?"
--Dale Hansen

Only the best for this big baby
What did police find in Erik Williams' gym bag when they raided
his house? Baby oil, of course. Even a big bruiser like Erik knows

how important it is to keep plenty of gentle, lubricating emollient handy. This Dallas Cowboy keeps a stash at his house, and always carries more

with him to share with friends.
Natural and hormone-free, baby oil is recommended by doctors. And it's now available in squeeze bottles for one-handed application.

Baby oil. Perfect for babies big and small.

Huggies Senior
Involuntary loss of bowel or bladder control is unwelcome under any circumstances. As the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones knows it can happen any time--after picking up the morning paper, or being awakened by a late-night phone call.

Whatever the cause, periodic incontinence doesn't have to take away from a lucrative lifestyle.

Jerry never knows when his players will move him. Jerry uses Huggies Senior.

Michael Irvin Colleczione Sportivo
Spring line now available at select boutiques
batteries not included