Wizard of os

Candidate R.D. Rucker explains the joy of sex and the problems of an elected judiciary

As a result of mom and dad's parental negligence or lack thereof, Rucker writes, by age 5 the child will have been permanently fixed as one of four sexual "types": homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, and, most interestingly, a form that Rucker dubs "quartosexual."

"While hitherto it was thought that there were only three forms of human sexuality," Rucker explains, "Recent research has revealed that there is a fourth form." (Rucker footnotes himself here.) "Sexual type IV females are alienated from men, even their husbands," writes Rucker. "Their estrangement from men derives from their having been neglected in their infancy by their fathers. When their fathers failed to bond with them and/or to offer them love, the sexual type IV females start believing in female superiority and become anti-male.

"[I]n form, the quartosexual female resembles a heterosexual female. Both types seek love from men. The difference is a subtle one: the heterosexual female strives to be the 'partner' to and the 'helpmate' of a man...And, although she might have a career, her object is to love her husband and her children and to preserve, protect, and defend her family.

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"The quartosexual female, on the other hand, never tires of being 'treated like a lady.' But a 'lady' is definitely what she is not. After all, a 'lady' is a woman in love with a man and is a man's woman...[T]he quartosexual female emulates her mother: she believes and ever proclaims that she is a 'strong and independent woman.'...If a man is part of the household, she will constantly agitate, argue with, and fuss at him."

In other words, the fourth type is that familiar scourge: the uppity, independent woman.

Rucker theorizes that men can also be "quartosexual." Yet he is clearly preoccupied with female quartos, who, he claims, constitute "at least 60, and it might be as high as 75, and perhaps 80, percent of black women." White women, Rucker suggests, are less frequently quartos, as evidenced by their "submissiveness" in bed and lack of attitude out of the sack. "Black men who flee from quartosexual black females find great joy in the arms and/or between the legs of white women. They come to believe that adult white females are dolls."

Offended yet? Wait--it gets wackier.
Not only has Rucker discovered a new "form" of human sexuality, he's discovered a whole new aspect of female anatomy. Forget the "G-spot"; Rucker theorizes that women have what he "scientifically" calls an "os compartment." "It is the opening in the back of the vaginal wall," he writes. "Normally closed, the woman is compelled to raise the shields there and to open her os under the impact of her vaginal orgasms...[T]herefore [when] a man causes a woman to have great desire for him and to have to part her back vaginal wall and give him access to her os compartment by giving her vaginal orgasms, the man will 'rule over' the woman." Such male rulership, he says, is "God's judgment" for Eve's sin.

In short, it's a part Freud, part Baptist submission theory, part misogynist locker-room wisdom, seasoned with a dash of racism and processed in the Cuisinart of Rucker's mind. The result is strange stuff, indeed: Rucker goes on for the better part of 60 pages about the problem of how to tame the quartosexual female, or as he sometimes refers to her, the "wild woman." Among the possibilities discussed: female circumcision, which to his credit Rucker rejects, if only because it is "exceptionally brutal" and is "foreign to the American, including the black, culture."

Instead, he offers his own "scientific way to 'tame' a 'wild' woman--since "it is only when a woman is submissive to a man that there is a possibility for family harmony." The method, which he describes as "God's method, the one provided by nature, and the one offered here as the scientific method":

A good hump, natch.
Rucker includes extraordinarily graphic instructions on just how to go about this, beginning with who must remove whose panties before intercourse. (Note: The Observer is not making this up.) From there, Rucker goes on for seven you-have-to-read-them-to-believe-them pages, along the way solving all the problems that plague the black family.

Crime? Substance abuse? Single-parent families? Gangs? The number of black men in prison? Obesity? Rucker's "scientific method," he claims, can cure them all. In the most amazing claim Rucker makes for his sexual snake-oil, Rucker even sets out to solve the mystery of why the black woman "tends to put on weight...about her posterior." (According to Rucker, quartosexual black women do this purposefully in order to keep men from ruling over them sexually--though he fails to explain exactly how this works on a cellular level.)

Throughout his extraordinary work, Rucker buttresses his arguments by footnoting to two sources: himself and the Bible. Rucker's other self-published books include Eros and the Sexual Revolution: Studies in the Psychology of the Human Mind and Drugs, Drug Addiction, and Drug Dealing: The Origin and Nature of, and the Solution to, the American Drug Problem. (The other two are on Abraham Lincoln and Jesus.)

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