Jewel

Reunion Arena

Jewel

What follows is an excerpt from Jewel's forthcoming book of poetry, her second. It is titled See My Breasts, Aren't They Perky?, and is the follow-up to her wildly successful literary debut, A Night Without Armor, by far the best book ever written by a pop star -- at least since LeAnn Rimes' Holiday in Your Heart, which came out a year earlier. Ms. Kilcher's poetry was greeted with much derision upon its release last May, but what the little boys don't understand, the young girls don't...know...or something. But we find her work to be both luxurious and tender, both on paper and in song. OK, so we were confused when we first heard the album Spirit, thinking it was a blank disc; we didn't know that was the point until later. Look, one man's wading pool is another ant's...ocean...or something. Anyway, she's deep, and as pretty as she is gal-dang talented. Gosh, Jewel makes us all sticky just thinking about her genius. I feel like Rolling Stone's Neil Strauss right now, all cuddled up next to Jewel on a big bed with lotsa pillows and hours of girlytalk ahead of us. Kiss me, Jewel, and tell me everything will be OK...

From the poem "Stuff I Learned, and My Nipples":

You can observe a lot just by
Watchin'
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure
A day without sunshine
Is night
Up your nose with a rubber hose
Sex on television doesn't hurt anyone
Unless you fall off
The only difference between graffiti and
Philosophy is the word
Fuck
Doing a thing well is often
A waste of time
With a million dollars, I can buy love
If everything is an illusion and nothing exists
Then you overpaid for my records
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read
A man is as old as the woman he feels
I knew I was going places
I just needed someone to tell me when I got there
Rain is the sound of angels flushing
If it does not fit, you must acquit
I used to be smart as a monkey
Now I am as dumb as a chimp
They say you can't do it, but
Sometimes, that isn't true
Nothing personal, but I fear the unfamiliar
Fifty-one percent of all Americans
Are in the majority
A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
You can fool all the people
All the time
My nipples.

 
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