By Jeremy Hallock
By James Khubiar
By Observer Staff
By Kelly Dearmore
By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
"The Lilith Fairies"
Pilot No. 3
Execs in charge: David E. Kelley and Ed Zwick
Title: "Sisters Gonna Work It Out!"
Story: Joni Mitchell, Carole King, and Melanie
Screenplay: Sarah McLachlan, Sheryl Crow, and Shawn Colvin
Music: Sixpence None the Richer
Sarah McLachlan as Canada Dry (Motto: "She will bore you...TO DEATH!!")
Sheryl Crow as The Amalgamator ("She absorbs her enemies!")
Shawn Colvin as Breakwind ("She will folk you UP!!")
Luscious Jackson as The Beastie Girls ("Three heads, no soul!")
Fleming and John as The Whynamic Duo ("And you are...?")
Anne Murray as Professor X Chromosome
The Donnas as The Riot Grrrls
And introducing Jewel as Jewel, The Poetry Monkey (Note from Standards and Practices: Had to change it from The Gaseous Monkey; please omit all references to "poot" or "stinky hands.")
The Setting: The Lilith Fairies hang out at the House of Style...and Justice!, which resembles the Hall of Justice, the Fortress of Solitude -- lots of computers and control panels and monitors. Plush couches are seen, and lit incense and candles are everywhere. Hanging on the walls are gold and platinum records and covers of various music magazines upon which our superheroes have appeared: Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, People.
Opening scene: Int. House of Style...and Justice!All the Fairies are sitting around on couches. Jewel sits on table nibbling on her tail.
Canada Dry sees this and laughs: "Jewel! Where did your parents raise you? Inside a car?"
Jewel, in high, squeaky monkey voice: "To face what's left of concrete and honey / Kiss the flame / Let's run with the hunted, the untamed."
Jewel jumps off table and begins wrapping monkey self around Canada Dry's leg. The Beastie Girls sit at the end of table, trying to practice three-part harmonies. It is not working.
Canada Dry: "We need to get a list together of people we want on this year's tour."
The Amalgamator: "Please, anybody but the Indigo Girls. No style."
Breakwind: "And too butch. Besides, they haven't had a hit in, like, 10 years."
The Amalgamator: "Really? They had a hit?"
Canada Dry: "Very funny, smart-ass. OK, how about Dusty Springfield?"
Breakwind: "Like, she's dead."
Canada Dry: "Seriously? Well, how about Tammy Wynette?"
The Beastie Girls, all together, though not all at once: "Dead."
Canada Dry: "Gosh. Well, there's always Lisa Loeb."
The Amalgamator: "Get real. What, so she can sing 'Stay' 14 times in a row, like she did in Portland last year? You want another riot on your hands? Took me five months to get the stains out of my cloak. Good luck, sister. Besides, I want some guys on the bill this year." Pause, sly grin. "Who am I gonna screw?"
Breakwind, sneeringly: "You mean screw OVER, doncha?"
The Amalgamator: "Very funny. Take your Grammy and shove..."
Canada Dry, interrupting her: "Girls, girls. Remember: This is all about sisterhood. OK, you want guys, how about Elton John?"
Breakwind: "THAT bitch?"
Canada Dry: "Rufus Wainwright?"
The Amalgamator: "I said GUYS!"
Jewel, nodding her head in agreement: "But wherefore art thou, Romeo / Where have all the brave men gone?"
Off-camera: Suddenly, a loud "BLEEP!! BLEEP!! BLEEP!!"
Int. Fairies run into a large adjoining room filled with a giant monitor and the enormous head of Professor X Chromosome. The women surround the monitor. They look afraid.
Canada Dry (yelling): "Gosh, Professor X Chromosome, what's the problem?"
Professor X Chromosome: "Girls, there has been an emergency. The Riot Grrrls have struck again. They're invading magazines and television shows all over the country, gaining legitimacy by doing nothing more than ripping off the Ramones and the Runaways. They're even covering Mötley Crüe."
Canada Dry: "Like, gross."
Professor X Chromosome: "They must be stopped at all costs. Provocative music be eradicated! I've already contacted Natalie Merchant, Suzanne Vega, Paula Cole, Victoria Williams...
The Amalgamator: "Me'Shell Ndegeocello?"
Professor X Chromosome: "Gesundheit." A pause. "And Bonnie Raitt in case you need veteran reinforcements."
The screen goes black. The girls turn and dialogue overlaps. Very Robert Altman. Various voices: "Come on, let's go," "Time's wasting," etc.
Cut to: Int. Large garage with giant platinum-colored airplane built in the shape of an acoustic guitar. On the side is the logo "THE TELECASTRATER."
Jump cut: Int. MTV Studios in New York. The Riot Grrrls, all wearing tight hot pink T-shirts and black leather pants, are doing an interview with Kurt Loder, playing himself. (Note to make-up dept.: Go heavy on the pancake; after all, the man is 74 years old.) The Riot Grrrls are smoking, drinking, having fun. One of them, it doesn't matter which, is making out with John Norris off-MTV camera.