By Kelly Dearmore
By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Alice Laussade
Riot Grrrl 1 (to John Norris): "I hope they don't make me repeat the eighth grade for this."
John Norris: "Again."
Cut to: Int. MTV Studios. Interview setting.
Kurt Loder: "Ladies, your new record is rather brilliant, sounding like nothing I've ever heard -- at least since yesterday. You're as innovative as my dear friend Madonna. Tell me about your inspirations, or lack thereof."
Riot Grrrl 2: "Mötley Crüe gets me sticky. Warrant makes me hot."
Riot Grrrl 3: "Anybody wanna slice of our cherry pie?"
Loder, mockingly: "Wow."
Riot Grrrl 2: "And you, of course, Kurt."
Loder, facetiously: "Cool."
Riot Grrrl 4: "We like pretty much everything, from the Ramones to, uh, the Ramones."
Loder, sarcastically: "Neat."
Riot Grrrl 2: "Yeah, we've been listening to music our whole lives. At least since 1995."
Loder, derisively: "Check 'em out."
Cut to: Ext. MTV Studios in Times Square. The Telecastrater can be seen hovering above Times Square, much to the amazement of the bystanders below, many of whom look either bored or frightened.
Int: The Telecastrater. Canada Dry sits at helm. Fleming and/or John is serving drinks to the rest of the Lilith Fairies.
The Amalgamator: "I knew we brought you along for a reason."
Breakwind: "Who ARE you, anyway?"
Canada Dry: "Hey, what's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis!"
The Amalgamator, giggling: "Girlfriend, that's mean!"
Jewel: "In the end only kindness matters / I will get down on my knees / And I will pray."
Cut to: Int: MTV Studios.
The Telecastrater breaks through plate-glass windows overlooking Times Square, and in storm the Lilith Fairies, all carrying acoustic guitars -- except for The Beastie Girls, who are all carrying Beastie Boys records.
Loder, to camera: "Cool. Check this out."
Riot Grrrl 1: "Ohmigod! It's the LILITH FAIRIES!!"
Riot Grrrl 2: "Let's get those bitches!"
Riot Grrrl 3: "Will mess 'em up worse than the Dixie Chicks!"
Riot Grrrl 2: "Someone get Breakwind before she sings 'Sonny Came Home.'"
Breakwind: "You wanted the worst, you got it!"
Canada Dry, at the top of her lungs: "LET'S NOT ROCK!" (Note to sound FX: Should echo, like "Oh, mighty Isis-isis-isis-isis.")
Loder: "Ladies, how about an interview?"
The Beastie Girls: "Screw you, old man. We're here to bring the pain!" They start singing.
Riot Grrrl 1: "No, not 'Naked Eye!'"
Jewel: "Your heart like grape gum on the ground / And you try to find yourself in the abstractions of religion and the cruelty of everyone else."
The stink of Jewel's poetry suffocates Riot Grrrl 1, who clutches throat and begins to writhe in pain. She finally passes out limp, in the arms of John Norris, who screams like a little girl and runs away. Jewel dances on the limp corpse.
Riot Grrrl 4, to The Whynamic Duo: "Who're you?"
The Whynamic Duo: "We're Fleming and John!"
Riot Grrrl 4: "WHO?"
The Whynamic Duo: "Let's show her!" They start singing their hit single "Ugly Girl." (Note to music supervisors: Make sure that is a hit single.)
Riot Grrrl 4 slowly turns to stone before shattering into hundreds of pieces. Note to Special FX: See movie Clash of the Titans.
Cut to: Outside Green Room, MTV Studios.
Riot Grrrl 2, yelling: "You'll pay for that!" She grabs custom Gene Simmons "Punisher" bass and begins swinging it wildly at The Whynamic Duo.
Cut to: Breakwind appears and whips out her Grammy and begins to beat Riot Grrrl 2 savagely while screaming, "Sonny came home...to whoop yer ASS!!!" She leaves the Grammy plunged into her heart. She licks the blood off her hands and howls.
Cut to: Darkened MTV Studios. Loder cowers in the corner, muttering to himself: "Cool. Wow. Un-hunh. Neat. Check it out." He is chain-smoking and clearly looking his age.
Wide angle same dark studios. Standing in the shadows are The Amalgamator and Riot Grrrl 3.
The Amalgamator, her face heavily obscured by shadow: "Donna, give up your punk-rock ways, and join me. There's catering, and the tour buses don't break down in between Houston and Little Rock. Donna, we can rule this demographic...TOGETHER!"
Riot Grrrl 3: "NEVER!"
The Amalgamator: "Donna, I am your mother! At least I think I am. It's hard to tell you apart."
Riot Grrrl 3: "You bet you are...my MOTHERFU...!!"
The Amalgamator, cutting her off (see: S&P regulation No. 435 about cursing): "No, search your feelings. You know it to be true."
Riot Grrrl 3: "No. I'd sooner die than be caught dead on the same stage as Trish Murphy!"
The Amalgamator: "So be it...Donna."
Canada Dry emerges from shadows to cut Riot Grrrl in half with her acoustic guitar.
Canada Dry: "Who will save your soul now, bitch?"
Cut to: Int. MTV Studio. Lights are hanging from ceiling, sparks shooting everywhere. The Lilith Fairies are standing over the mutilated corpses of the Riot Grrrls.
Canada Dry: "I am woman, hear me bore."
The Amalgamator: "Thank God that's over."
The Beastie Girls: "What're we gonna do now?"
Breakwind: "How about an encore!!!?" They all laugh.
Jewel: "Hitler loved little blue-eyed boys / And it drove him to hate."
Canada Dry: "Jewel! Someone get this monkey off my back!"
All the women laugh. Freeze the picture. Roll credits.
Voiceover: "Next week: Special guest Tracy Chapman, as Black Lightning, joins the Fairies when they take on Sleater-Kinney!"