The weak in rock

All I can remember of last year's personal top 10 was the inclusion of an acoustic Prince CD tacked on to the mail-order-only Crystal Ball. Smelled like hard-up then, reeks of it now -- haven't listened to the damned thing since December 22, 1998, and probably won't again till I try to decide whether or not to sell the boxed set on eBay. And so it goes -- thousands and thousands of albums released each year, and good luck trying to find 10 of them that made a lasting impression beyond five minutes ago. Maybe that's the difference between Important Albums and ones you merely like to listen to over and over again. I'm sure Rage Against the Machine's The Battle of Los Angeles -- otherwise known as Spin's second-best disc of 1999 -- is a majestic piece of rap-rock, but all I hear is the Judgment Night soundtrack over some half-assed sloganeering. (That's not entirely true, since I haven't actually listened to the record. But you know I'm right.)

As for Nine Inch Nails' The Fragile, well, Trent Reznor's magical static sounds like warmed-over fart-rock to me. There's no accounting for taste, especially when you have some. See, the rock-critic part of me so desperately wants to put Beck's gonna-funk-you-up Midnite Vultures on this list; everyone else is. But deep down I know it ain't nothing but a brilliant put-on -- a novelty record, where last year's Mutations contained...what's that word? Oh, yeah. Songs. Same goes for Built to Spill's Keep it Like a Secret: The list-keepers love this art-grunge gem from Doug Martsch, but life's too short to go looking for peanuts in a pile of crap. Look, there's a reason critics' favorites sell like pork sandwiches at a synagogue: The grown-ups may not like to get down, but the kids just wanna dance. Step to, or step off.

Haven't seen Smash Mouth's Astro Lounge on a single best-of list, which figures: It's too pop, too radio, for the tastemakers who keep insisting Ibrahim Ferrer's Buena Vista Social Club Presents disc is the Cuban import of the decade. Right, like any gringo can tell the difference; I'll buy when Castro starts writing record reviews. Till then, give me anything off Astro Lounge, especially "Diggin' Your Scene" and "Radio" and even "All Star"; the only thing that ruined the last one was when the Dallas Mavericks adopted it as their theme song, surely in cruel and ironic jest. Astro Lounge is the only disc released in 1999 that grabs you by the pants, snatches your keys, turns up the car stereo, and demands you drive it all around town with the windows down and the volume up to "piss off." So it doesn't fall into the categories of Important or Meaningful; it's got a beat, and you can dance to it, as Dick Clark first said somewhere around 1912.

Moby's Play was the best old new record of 1999.
Joseph Cultice
Moby's Play was the best old new record of 1999.
For Blur, 13 wasn't an unlucky number.
For Blur, 13 wasn't an unlucky number.

Doesn't that still count for anything anymore -- the razzle and dazzle of rock and roll, the get-up-to-get-get-down the very best pop music has to offer? Probably not, since most rock critics are very short old men with one wooden leg and a constant ringing in their very hairy ears. Somewhere, there's a rock critic putting Chris Cornell's Euphoria Morning or Zap Mama's A Ma Zone or Korn's Issues or Prince's Rave un2 the Joy Fantastic or Public Enemy's There's a Poison Goin On or Cassandra Wilson's Miles-of-Muzak Traveling Miles on his or her list. Bet you 10 bucks they already sold all them bad boys back to the used CD shop around the corner, where they will sit ignored, waiting for next year's best albums.

Bad Love
Randy Newman

He's old and cranky, which puts Newman over on most of his fat-and-happy contemporaries, who just got old. His first real disc in a decade is his best in two -- lots of songs about lechery ("Shame") and pain ("Every Time It Rains"), which go hand-in-hand once you figure out love's the middle ground. Like the song about how families talk at each other, not to; even better's the bit about how Newman misses his ex-wife, which must make the current Mrs. Newman very happy. When Bad Love isn't cracking a wry smile, it's breaking a pathetic heart, which has long been Newman's speciality, even if the public now thinks of him as nothing more than the guy who writes Disney scores. Could have titled it Broken Toy Story; then, it might have moved a few dozen copies.

On How Life Is Macy Gray
Sony/Epic Records

Macy Gray is what happens when Terence Trent D'Arby slices off the salami, hires on Fiona Apple's producer (Jon Brion), and writes murder ballads dolled up like do-me come-ons. "Sex-O-Matic Venus Freak" is the sexiest thing since Eartha Kitt greased into the Catwoman suit; "I've Committed Murder" could have been a Howlin' Wolf lost-and-found; and the rest of this slinky debut manages to find room for the Fat Boys, Outkast, and "Theme from Love Story." Someone needs a spanking.

69 Love Songs
Magnetic Fields

"I'm sorry I love you / It's just a phase I'm going through" -- just about says it all on a record that says everything about matters of the (broken) heart. Three discs, and not a second wasted; listen to the trifecta in its entirety, and you'll feel as though you've loved and lost a dozen times over. There's emotion enough here for even the heartless among us -- hushed ballads, turbulent toss-offs, even the smallest moment writ enormous and devastating. Turns out Stephin Merritt (part Bacharach-David fetishist, part Casio composer) is worse than the hopeless romantic, because he's a hopeful one -- meaning, he keeps setting himself up after he gets knocked down, convinced love conquers all. For better or worse.

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