Nelly Furtado

March 28

The Faux Pas of Nelly Furtado:

1. Venturing into many musical genres yet mastering none, therefore fetishizing them. (Because of this, her weak hip-hop moves, normally an excusable offense, mark her as not just a lightweight, but also as a jerk.)

2. Showing boundless self-love and passing it off as a statement of feistiness or a stance of empowerment. Her penchant for vocal solos is matched by fondness for her own image. And she's hard to listen to and harder to look at.

3. The title of her goddamn album. (For those who don't know yet, that would be Whoa, Nelly! See?)

4. Speaking and writing music in clichés. (Again, Whoa, Nelly! Please.)

5. Similarly, writing songs from a spectrum of emotions that do not exist.

6. Hiring a band of slick session musicians while pushing authenticity.

7. Talking about how young she is, all the time, and charming interviewers with childhood anecdotes. For instance, "I was always into music. At the age of 4, I would be sitting in the car, making up music in my head and singing." (I can't believe this quote was actually printed, and in similar forms in many an article.)

8. Milking those Portuguese parents and using the phrase "working class" whenever possible. Which seems to be always.

9. Working with Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott, the coolest girl in popular pop music. Nelly just looks pathetic standing next to her. Like a 4-year-old girl, sitting in a car, making up music in her head and singing.

10. Referring to DreamWorks as her "little label."

 
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