Suck It

Here are the things you should know about Crawfest 2002:

Stuck in your craw: Joe "King" Carrasco headlines at Crawfest.

Details

2 p.m. to 10 p.m. or perhaps later May 18. Advance tickets are $25; tickets at the door are $30 to $50. Call 214-757-9000.

The Hard Rock Café, 2601 McKinney Ave.

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More About

• Texas Neurofibromatosis Foundation
• Wildlife
• Nature and the Environment

1.The Dallas Observer sponsors the event.

2. A pretty young lass from the sales/promotions department at said newsweekly asked if we could write something about this event. (Can we ever!)

3. This reporter feels no conflict of interest in writing about Crawfest because he and his family members--especially his 7-year-old daughter--have gorged themselves on crawfish at this event to the point of horrific gluttonous depravity the past three years. And for you cynics out there, know that this tight-sphincter company makes editorial employees pay for their own tickets.

4. Crawfish are not, as suggested by an East Coast associate, "roaches of the swamp." They are instead, as you and any other Cajun-food-lovin' fool can attest, more like "prawns of the Pontchartrain."

5. Crawfish are best washed down with cold beer, of which there will be plenty.

6. Crawfish are also referred to as crayfish, which describes a number of families of freshwater decapods that resemble tiny lobsters.

7. There is a man--a legend, really--who builds very large office towers in Texas who is, in his spare time, the greatest crawfish eater alive. This reporter has witnessed the man peeling and eating, on average, 10 to 15 crawfish a minute. His advice:

"The mistake most mortals make when eating crawfish tails is that they grab one or two rings of armor around the tails. Hold the belly with one thumb, then use your thumb and forefinger on the other hand to grab four or five rings at once, peel away, then grab the exposed meat with your teeth." Use it well.

8. Before you "suck the head" of the crawfish, squeeze it hard enough to crush his little crawfish skull and crawfish brains, otherwise you will not get enough tasty head juice.

9. This year Crawfest is at The Hard Rock Café. There will be musical guests. Sweet, no?

10. Proceeds go to The Texas Neurofibromatosis Foundation. So, you're, like, eating tail and sucking head for charity. Can life get better than that?