Danzig

Your quick Danzig for Dummies: Back when you were in grade school, he was in a band called The Misfits. You went to junior high, he started Samhain. By the time you got your G.E.D., Glenn Danzig had graduated to becoming his own main man. I'm pretty sure that both of you cut a deal with Lucifer somewhere along the way.

G-Dan must be wondering what went wrong. All these kid bands in dreadlocks and hockey masks are out there selling hundreds of thousands of records and scaring the shit out of everyone, while Danzig (the band) is still out there trying to pass off its pseudosatanic midtempo AC/DC-esque boog-plod as dark, dank and dangerous. Jesus. It's almost like seeing Dad dressed up as Herman Munster at the PTA Halloween party. Woo. We're scared.

His musical peer group has never really held Mr. Upside-Down-Cross in high regard. Let's call it mutual hatred. In fact, everything you need to know about him can be summed up in a true story that has circulated among industry insiders for years. Danzig participated in one of the first Ozzfest tours and was somewhat of a royal pain in the ass to everybody involved. Something about people not giving him the respect he deserved, that kind of thing.

Anyhoo, on the last day of the tour, as is her delightful custom, event organizer Sharon Osbourne (you know: "Sharon! Shaaaaron!!!) decided to give parting gifts to all the artists and managers involved. As VIPs gathered like children under a Christmas tree to open their gifts, Glenn was given a beautiful Tiffany package, complete with an attractive silver bow-and-ribbon ensemble suggesting that his involvement in the tour was highly appreciated. It was a lovely moment. The tank-topped steroid monkey actually smiled a little as he unwrapped his present. That is, until he saw the contents inside: a finely crafted, beautifully manicured chunk of human feces. Sharon! Shaaaaron!!!

Bring your grandkids to the show. They've probably never seen the Antichrist before. It's time you made the introduction.