By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
E Z Bottle: "Parents often complain that having an infant takes time away from other responsibilities...designed to automatically feed a young child or keep a pacifier secure in his or her mouth, freeing a caregiver's hands." Damn those pesky, time-consuming infants! This no doubt beats our technique for keeping a bottle in the brat's mug when it's our shot down at the pool hall: Krazy Glue.
Under-Ease: This one comes to us from the Under-Tec Corp., which was founded after experiments with the product. Inventor Buck Weimer's wife was a bit of a gasbag, and we don't mean she talked too much. "Divorce was not an option, so [Weimer] came up with the idea of non-porous underwear with a replaceable filter to eliminate offensive gas," Under-Tec reports. Divorce may not have been an option before, but we wonder how his wife feels now that he's declared her the inspiration for these skivvies. We hope you like how she looks in them, Buck, because we're willing to bet these panties won't be coming off any time soon.
Sack of Kittens
This week in Sack of Kittens: Kelly Clarkson, American Idol. Looks like? Someone who's confused glamour with Clairol--the blond highlights in her hair appear to be sentient--though that should serve her well in her future occupation: VJ on CMT. Sounds like? A great voice bulldozing its way through songs even Michael Bolton would deem "sentimental tacky crap." Seriously, working with Desmond Child (who recently sexed up LeAnn Rimes' Twisted Angel) and one-hit wonder Cathy Dennis--the songwriting team responsible for Clarkson's debut single, "Before Your Love"--is the punishment for murder in some countries. And don't let the sales of that single (236,000 in its first week, the biggest single week in Billboard history) fool you. After Fox aired its infomercial twice a week all summer, even the country's finest cult deprogrammers couldn't have stopped chubby suburban girls from buying it. Previous claim to fame? Appearing as an extra on an episode of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch or doing a killer version of "Respect" in the shower. Her own "American idol?" Reba McEntire, whom she shared a duet with at the American Idol reunion special a couple of weeks back. This is pretty much like the winner of a national talent search for comedians saying that Carrot Top is his favorite comedian. Horrible side effect we will always hold her personally responsible for? American Idol judge Paula Abdul has a record contract again and is set to release her first album since 1995's Head Over Heels. Number of kittens in the sack she's currently standing on? One, maybe two. But then again, no one will remember that number a year from now, when Clarkson is forced to give up her crown. Better keep in shape for the where-are-they-now? segment. --Zac Crain
Kelly Clarkson and the rest of American Idol's 10 finalists perform October 13 at American Airlines Center.