By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Despite the organization's tendency to ignore reality, Coslet has done next to nothing this year. Worse, he's done next to nothing for much of his career. As a head coach or offensive coordinator, he's made just one playoff appearance in the past 15 years (his teams over that stretch were 92-134). That's a harsh evaluation, perhaps even an oversimplification, but it's also the truth. Which makes me wonder, how did he get this gig in the first place and why does he still have it? (Along that track, why haven't the daily columnists in this town called him out? That'll have to be its own story, I suppose.) I don't know how it is where you work, but I'm guessing they frown on, and eventually fire, the grossly unproductive who only earn their pay two weeks out of every 11.
But the NFL loves its ol' boys, and the Cowboys aren't running a meritocracy anyway. They haven't for some time--about 13 years, according to the media guide. What they want, what they've wanted since General Jerry bought the team, is a host of sycophants masquerading as coaches. That's the plain horror. It's the only way to explain Coslet's employment.
But I'm tired of fighting this fight and losing. Seems to me no matter how much I scream b.s., no one hears my cry. So I'm giving up and selling out. I figure if the Cowboys can find a spot for Coslet, they can find one for me, and a fat paycheck while they're at it. I doubt I'd be a better offensive coordinator than Coslet, but his ineptitude guarantees I couldn't be much worse.
The following is a condensed background and job pitch that I plan on forwarding to J.J.--I mean Mr. Jones: Professional "writer" with no football coaching experience seeking football coaching position. Part-time womanizer, full-time substance abuser, frequent loudmouth. Willing to shut big yapper and fall in behind you, two steps back and to the right. Can say words "yes" and "you're brilliant" on command. Will require only Cowboy-approved mouth condom (for ass-kissing) and large bags of cash. Able to start immediately.