By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Although the new year is a few weeks away, as an early Christmas gift, we offer this list of resolutions. We know you don't need these--you're thin, beautiful, rich, smoke- and disease-free. But just in case...
1. I will quit smoking.
2. I will lose weight.
3. I will stop referring to myself in the third person.
4. I will stop referring to my wife as "what's-her-name."
5. I will stop referring to two wins in a row as a "winning streak."
6. I will stop downloading porn from the Internet on company time.
7. I will stop calling people "dude."
8. I will stop wearing hip-huggers and clogs.
9. I will stop taking business lunches at Cabaret Royale.
10. I will get a real haircut that doesn't make me look like Frankenstein.
11. I will stop referring to the mayor as "Ted Benavides."
12. I will stop letting Robert Decherd tell me what to do.
13. I will stop collecting a paycheck for "writing."
14. I will go back to the gym and actually use the equipment this time.
15. I will stop dancing in public.
16. I will stop picking my nose when I think no one is looking.
17. I will stop illegally burning CDs and taking money out of the pockets of millionaires.
18. I will stop talking about me all the time.
19. I will listen to what you have to say.
20. Did you say something?
21. I will pick up a check every so often.
22. I will get someone pregnant.
23. I will see the dentist sometime this decade.
24. I will start wearing pants.
25. I will stop referring to my privates as "paradise alley."
26. I will stop eating red meat.
27. I will stop eating fish.
28. I will stop eating vegetables.
29. I will stop eating.
30. I will stop dating strippers.
31. I will start dating hookers.
32. I will stop getting plastic surgery.
33. I will stop wearing hairpieces.
34. I will fire Dave Campo.
35. I will see a movie in a foreign language and like it.
36. I will stop referring to Shawn Bradley as "good" or "promising."
37. I would love to love you, baby.
38. I will start using spellchek.
39. I will stop using my cell phone while in the car.
40. I will stop hanging up on my mother.
41. I will stop answering the phone by saying, "Go."
42. I will stop referring to my children as "what's-their-names."
43. I will stop crank-calling 911.
44. I will give the police a 15 percent raise...maybe.
45. I will sell a sports team.
46. I will buy an airplane off the Internet.
47. I will stop locking my kid in a closet.
48. I will learn how to speak a second language that isn't "British."
49. I will stop referring to Dallas as "The City of Hate."
50. I will stop going to Dealey Plaza at midnight to re-enact the assassination of JFK.
51. I will stop making the thumbs-up gesture when I agree with someone.
52. I will stop driving to Krispy Kreme at 11:55 p.m.
53. I will stop playing Grand Theft Auto Vice Citytill 4 a.m.
54. I will stop referring to Jackassas the "greatest movie ever made."
55. I will stop ordering Pizza Hut every night.
56. As if it wasn't obvious, I will stop smoking dope.
57. I will stop referring to the city charter as "inconsequential nonsense."
58. I will stop arresting innocent people.
59. I will learn the difference between cocaine and chalk powder.
60. I will hold my job forever no matter how many times I fuck up.
61. I will not run for mayor.
62. I will stop urinating in public unless absolutely necessary.
63. I will stop referring to the boss as "who?"
64. I will stop asking you to "smell this."
65. I will stop being jealous of friends who are more successful than I.
66. I will get new friends.
67. I will use my turn signal.
68. I will stop swearing.
69. Fuck that.
70. I will stop believing those are "actual photos."
71. I will stop pretending I am embarrassed by escort ads since they do pay my rent.
72. I will learn how to cook something other than pasta.
73. I will stop watching television.
74. I will buy a book that doesn't have pictures in it.
75. I will stop trying to write off Maximas a business expense.
76. I will stop searching the Internet for nude pictures of Bea Arthur.
77. I will use my looks for good, not evil.
78. I will stop referring to a certain former gubernatorial candidate as "Dirty Sanchez."
79. I can dance if I want to, I can leave my friends behind.
80. I will stop insisting I read Tiger Beatfor the articles.
81. I will stop promising what I cannot deliver.
82. I will stop referring to my husband as "Steve...something."
83. I will stop pretending I am a Democrat.
84. I will stop dating models unless absolutely necessary.
86. I will stop reveling in the misfortune of others unless absolutely necessary.
87. I will stop referring to the American Airlines Center as "that overpriced toilet bowl."
88. I will dome the Cotton Bowl.
89. I will build a glorious urban development on the Trinity River.
90. I will turn downtown Dallas into Central Park.
91. I will pick up some "magic dust" that makes the impossible possible.
92. I will learn how to play a musical instrument instead of merely blowing it out my ass.