Navel Gazing

Plus: (No) More, (Not) Now, (Never) Again; Sack of Kittens

Navel Gazing

Liliana Lovell opened her New York Coyote Ugly Saloon at 24, an age at which most are still puking patrons rather than bar entrepreneurs. Now Lovell thinks the Big D may be the next perfect spot to "get ugly."

"What I liked about Deep Ellum," Lovell says, "people love music, people like to drink and there's nothing like the Coyote there."

To document this pop-culture phenomenon, Full Frontal deployed a special team: Bella and Kitty, secure in the skills they acquired learning to strip for their men ("Working Girls," November 7). Rather than give second-hand info, we'll let them tell you...

Waiting is the hardest part: As we approached the tryouts last Sunday, our dreams of being ass-shaking bartenders began to dim as we gazed at the dazzling queue of exposed navels. We doubted our spunk, our figures and our lack of exposure to the genre of music using vocabulary such as "nookie" and "cherry pie."

Bella:Besides feeling like Ms. Stay-Puft, the young, pulchritudinous mass fondly reminded me of my misspent youth.

Kitty:There's no way my embroidered Coors western shirt made up for my white-ass stomach. Note to self: not prime location for scrutinizing my own body.

Boot scootin' boogie: We followed choreographer and original Coyote, Jacqui Squatriglia, and learned to Coyote clog in time to "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." Lovell, whose clubs are popping up in Atlanta, New Orleans and Las Vegas, made a trip to Dallas to get our local club up and running. She's tough, smart and known for being the best damn bartender in NYC ever. Lovell doesn't want a "stripper" act, and as Squatriglia says, "We love strip clubs, but we're not one."

Bella: Can bar-leaning be a recognized dance?

Kitty: I had to countrify my Irish clogging. They favored Cowtown over Riverdance.

Wondertwins activate:Admittedly, we went in fully aware that our bodies were not ideal and our skills in pouring a shot were limited. We were convinced that we'd be unwelcome. But no one was. Each girl brought in to make her impression on the whip-smart duo of Squatriglia and Lovell was encouraged to flaunt her individuality.

Bella: Despite any delusions of self-esteem, I feel my entrance owed more to my business card rather than any firm part of my anatomy.

Kitty: I may not go back to get a job, but damn it if I'm not going back to the gym. I favor the womanly jangling of bosoms to the jiggling of my pasty white thighs.

Revealing ourselves:We identified ourselves and our motive to Lovell, who responded with, "Well, damn, you were as close as anybody, at least with the clogging." She encouraged our return should we ever be looking for a second job. It was empowering, sure, but the real treat was watching these scads of women bend over backward (literally) to become Dallas' latest sex symbols.

Bella: The only thing my clogging was close to was other peoples' toes.

Kitty: I feel my most marketable skill was hopping up on the bar, swinging my gams over and hopping down without falling.

Sizing up the competition:If you were ever in doubt, yes, low-rise pants are in fashion. We wouldn't be surprised if Britney Spears is lying unconscious somewhere, her wardrobe pillaged by Coyote wannabes gathered at the Granada on Greenville Avenue. Oh well, as long as there is a Coyote Ugly, fringed halter tops will live on. But as Lovell says, "There's nothing belittling about feeling sexy and strong." It's just too bad we don't.

--Merritt Martin & Michelle Martinez


(No) More, (Not) Now, (Never) Again

This week, Simon & Schuster publishes in paperback former Dallas Morning Newswriter Elizabeth Wurtzel's 93rd book about her addiction to prescription drugs and Elizabeth Wurtzel, More, Now, Again. Of Wurtzel, author of the best-selling Prozac Nation, and her infatuation with Wurtzel there's nothing left to be said; she has long been her own best parodist. But in case there's one among you still interested in what Elizabeth Wurtzel has to say about Elizabeth Wurtzel, we have read the book for you and condensed it waydown to its very best lines (line, fine--whatever).

I crush up my pills and snort them like dust. They drip through me like tupelo honey. My pills are methylphenidate hydrochloride, brand name Ritalin, but I will take Dexedrine or any other kind of prescription amphetamine that I can get. There are no human beings in this story. It would take me two hours to write one sentence. Addiction sneaks up on you like a sun shower. You don't know what I mean? All I ever wanted was to be good. And it's all turned out so bad. Here is how I feel not on drugs: I hate me. Ritalin über alles. I can't even focus on Vogue, I can't even focus on Mademoiselle. I am breathing heavily, like a dog panting on a hot day. I spend several days just snorting lines and thinking about the ignorant masses. The policeman cuffs me behind my back, and I start to cry. There's nothing worse than a sore throat. And there are plenty more sores on my legs, because the tweezing and pulling and digging do not stop. I cry about [Princess] Diana; I mourn. Finally, one day I tell Karl that I refuse to write any more explanations for my behavior unless he pays me for them. No coke and bad news are not a good combination. Just when I think I'm safe, like a kid who has not done his homework and whom the teacher has managed to ignore until five minutes before the bell rings, Bill Maher tried to engage me with a question about Amy Fisher. "That's why Prozac Nationis a great book." I tell them I wrote for The Dallas Morning Newsten years ago, and I show them the Lucchese alligator-skin cowboy boots that I bought in Houston when I was last there. It is a dark, bleak vacuum cleaner of human hopelessness. Hank works his way down my body until he's--God, I wish there were a better way to say it besides eating me out or going down on me, but you get the idea. My life will flash before me, and it will all be white powder. I am on Rivera Live! two weeks in a row. Here's how the story begins. --Robert Wilonsky

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