Lizzie Does Dallas

Plus: Oh, My Aikman Balls

This week, Serving Saramakes its home-video debut, which means the millions of you who missed this Liz Hurley-Matthew Perry made-in-Dallas costume drama in theaters several weeks ago can now enjoy it in your home, if by "enjoy" you mean not watch it all over again. But by no means is it the worst movie ever made in Dallas. There are several contenders, and not just the movies (and president) Oliver Stone shot here. Among them, in no particular order:

Unnecessary Roughness (1991):Kathy Ireland as a place-kicker. Shanks for nothing.

The Dirt-Bike Kid (1986):Really, has anyone ever seen a Peter Billingsley movie that wasn't named A Christmas Story?

Naughty Dallas (1964):Notable only for the appearance of club owner and Jack Ruby rival Abe Weinstein and that its director would go on to make Mars Needs Women. Otherwise, former Ruby strippers reveal why they should have been former strippers by 1964.

Keys to Tulsa (1997):Mentioned only because I saw Eric Stoltz take a piss in the Dallas Observerbathroom during filming in the office.

License to Kill (1984):Don't remember much about it, 'cept it co-starred a young Denzel Washington. It's no Carbon Copy, that's for sure.

Tough Enough (1983):Dennis Quaid is a Fort Worth boy who dreams of makin' it as a country singer but gets lured into the world of tough-man contests by Warren Oates, who don't care a lick about the kid's musical aspirations. Lingering memories of Quaid scrubbing down with the very fresh and clean Carlene Watkins in a bathtub.

Talk Radio (1988):Wrongly portrays Dallas as a town of gun-toting right-wing fanatics who don't wanna listen to any opinion that is at all liberal...oh, wait. My bad.

Slap Her...She's French (2002):Never opened here, never will.

Phantom of the Paradise (1974):Directed by Brian De Palma, impressive. Starred Paul Williams, notimpressive.

The Steeler and the Pittsburgh Kid (1981):Starring Henry Thomas as The Kid. Mean Joe Greene, phone home. It's your agent.

Problem Child (1990): And yet, remains the best John Ritter star vehicle ever made.

Dr. T and the Women (2000):Worst Altman film since the next Altman film. Aw, just kiddin', yo.

The Dallas Connection (1994):Didn't see it, don't have to.

Cotton Candy (1978):Look, it's the one Ron Howard film you've never heard of.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (1979):Yeah, yeah. Guilty pleasure. Right. So's crack.

The Zapruder Film (1963):Great till the ending.


Oh, My Aikman balls

Date: 1/16/03. Time: 8:13 a.m. Troy Aikman appears on the Dunham & Millershow on KTCK-AM (1310) for his weekly show. Hosts Craig Miller and George Dunham ask the former Cowboys quarterback about rumors of his impending return to the team if he were asked to do so by Bill Parcells. Sometimes, what the heavily battered Aikman says isn't always what Aikman means, befitting a Fox announcer.

What Troy said: "I have great admiration for Bill Parcells, and there's no doubt in my mind he'll get that program turned around."

What Troy meant: "I will kiss as much ass as necessary to play again. And Jerry is a very handsome man."

What Troy said: "I have no intentions of coming back and playing. A coach--whether it's Bill Parcells or someone else in the league I respect, and there are a few of those coaches out there--if they called me up and said, 'Look, we reallywant you to come play for us. We think you can help us win games,' and they were determined to try to get me to come play for them, I would listen to them."

What Troy meant: "Call me, Bill. Seriously. Today. Call me. C'mon. Dude, call. You have the cell number, right? Need the home number? I'm waiting by the phone."

What Troy said: "I had a call this season from a coach I had great respect for, and I considered it. I gave it a day's thought and thought about the impact it would have on the family and what I wanted to do and whether or not it made sense for me personally, and I decided not to play. I wouldn't just turn my back without thinking about it."

What Troy meant: "Rhonda told me I couldn't play for the Dolphins, but she doesn't mind me making the drive to Valley Ranch."

What Troy said: "It's just a lot of talk about nothing."

What Troy meant: "But I will keep talking about it till someone signs me to play quarterback again."

 
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