Off the Hizzle

Plus: Double D'oh, Bolly Wanna Poppadum?

3) Bart After Dark: While Marge and Lisa are away cleaning up an oil spill, Homer sends Bart to work in a Burlesque house. Best line: Reverend Lovejoy and others are outraged. When they approach Homer, he moans: "Oooh...this isn't about Jesus, is it?"

2) Cape Feare: Sideshow Bob returns and tracks down Bart. Best line: Millhouse to Bart: "Um, I checked around. The girls are calling you 'fatty-fat fat fat,' and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants, but...nobody's trying to kill ya."

1) You Only Move Twice: Homer moves the family "upstate somewhere" to work for the Globex corporation and an evil mastermind named Scorpio. Best line: Homer asks Scorpio for the Globex phone number during a firefight. Scorpio says, "I've never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot."

That's Swi'in to you.
That's Swi'in to you.

Bolly Wanna Poppadum?

Here's where Blockbuster Video gets it wrong--aside from, ya know, not carrying anything anyone over the age of 15 actually wants to watch. The Dallas-based video retailer ought to think about carrying food, a little nosh for those settling in with a four-hour period-drama-slash-garish-romance-slash-outlandish-musical sung in Hindi. But, hey, that's just Full Frontal, longing for a video store that peddles a little chapati or maybe some potato samosas with a side of Bollywood. When we found one last weekend, well, we thanked Krishna, Vishnu and the dude at the Texaco station who tipped us off to the most righteous find this side of New Delhi, or at least North Central Expressway. Beats spending a couple of hours in a theater watching The Guru, that phony-baloney Bollywood. Better to track down the real thing, which is an adventure in exotica that takes about 15 minutes' driving time from downtown Dallas. With traffic.

Over on Lockwood Drive, off Belt Line and Central and smack next to a Napa Auto Parts store, you'll find Bollywood Video & Asia Grocery, a 4-year-old store peddling hundreds of DVDs, videos and CDs for all things "Hindi, Tamil, Telugu, Punjabi and Pakistani." When it first opened, in a sort of Little India where the question is always, "Whose sari now?," Bollywood catered to the Indian and Pakistani immigrants in the area, which is but a short drive from Richardson's thriving Chinatown. (Ever notice that some of the best things this city has to offer aren't in this city...or, for that matter, from this country?)

But in recent months, the owners say, the clientele has noticeably lightened in skin tone. Surely Moulin Rogue, with its Bollywood accent, spiked mainstream interest in Hindi cinema; why settle for a copy when the original's but a short drive away? The Guru, which did decent box office in limited release last weekend, might also convert the formerly disinterested. Even Dallas-based Magnolia Pictures is getting into the Bollywood biz: Come May, it will release in theaters the all-English, made-in-Canada Bollywood Hollywood, which played in specialty theaters, such as Dallas' Everest Theater on Story Road and Irving Boulevard, last fall. Still, we're trying to find the latest Bollywood spectacular: a noir comedy-romance titled, swear to God, Jism, which apparently is Hindi for, not kidding, jism. -- Robert Wilonsky

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