Play Ball

Plus: Spring Fever, No Sheet

Strip clubs: No vacation is complete without a lap dance. Thankfully, downtown Phoenix is brimming with gentlemen's clubs. From Amazon's Olympic Garden (4125 N. Seventh St.) to Christie's Cabaret (44 N. 32nd St.), you're sure to be in good hands. Most promising: The Candy Store (18613 N. Cave Creek Road), which offers "the sweetest girls in town." Insert your own joke here.

Gambling: Casino Arizona has two locations just outside of Scottsdale, which is southeast of Surprise (524 N. 92nd St. or 9700 E. Indian Bend Road) and offers a variety of gaming options, from poker to keno to blackjack.

Food: The DMN suggested places that sounded far too ritzy. Seriously, when you're whoring and gambling, who has the time or money for grub? Grab an In-N-Out Burger (various locations) and stop your whining.

Boozing: This is possibly the most important part of the road trip. Because when you're lying facedown in the gutter as the sun crawls over the horizon and your self-respect has long since abandoned you, the only way to cure your depression is with a depressant. To get your drink on, check out Big Daddy's Sports Lounge (721 E. Dunlap) or the Driftwood Tap Room (9425 N. Cave Creek Road) in Phoenix. The good people at the Driftwood would like me to remind you, however, that "the bathroom is for customers ONLY!" Ah, alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. --John Gonzalez

No Sheet

Tuesdays bring Full Frontal so much joy: That's when Teresa Gubbins' Watercooler Tip Sheet appears on the front page of The Dallas Morning News' Texas Living section. Her wry observations about the week's events make her Dallas' Larry King; nothing, no matter how obvious, escapes her knowing eye and sharp pen. Or maybe she's more brilliant then we think--perhaps this lowbrow stuff in a major daily is so highbrow it flies above our pointy heads. Teresa gets metaphysical? Then let's get metacritical with this quiz. Can you guess which are hers, which are fakes?

a) WEATHER: "That ice looks pretty, but it sure is dangerous. Be careful."

b) MOVIES: "Colin Farrell may be Hollywood's bachelor of the moment, but he still doesn't top his co-star in The Recruit: the great Al Pacino."

c) SPORTS: "Why can't all sports be as pretty as figure skating?"

d) MUSIC: "Norah Jones, the Dixie Chicks, Bowling for Soup, the Light Crust Doughboys--why don't they just hold the Grammys in Dallas next year?"

e) SCIENCE: "Experts are skeptical about a claim by the Raelian religious sect that it has cloned two babies, and has three more on the way. Imagine--questioning the credibility of a cult that believes human life was created by extraterrestrials."

f) MOVIES: "John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson are in a new movie called Basic. Why didn't they just call it Pulp Fiction 2?"

g) MOVIES: "Sean Connery was and always will be the first Bond, but Pierce Brosnan is the best Bond."

h) MOVIES: "Eminem gets raves for his performance in 8 Mile. He plays a Detroit rapper. That's some acting job."

i) TV: "Surprise--My Big Fat Greek Wedding is now a TV series. Bigger surprise--it's not very good."

j) SPORTS: "The Stars won. Think not of the Cowboys."

k) MOVIES: "Signs--will it make farming 'cool' again?"

l) MUSIC: "Saturday Night Live is dead on arrival this season."

m) FOOD: "There's nothing better on a cold morning than hot chocolate."

n) SPORTS: "Hey, the Rangers won a game. How about that."

o) MUSIC: "The Psychedelic Furs' Richard Butler doesn't know how to put on a bad show."

p) FASHION: "Hot pants are cool again. What's next--tube tops?"

Fakes: a, d, f, i, l, m, p

--Robert Wilonsky

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