Wick's End

Assassination Tango, starring Robert Duvall: At first I thought the mercenaries of Hollywood were referring to the great and powerful Saddam, who dances away from nonexistent American bombs as though his bare feet were made of angel wings. But then I realized this was just a movie with Robert Duvall, who plays a hit man sent to kill a general who looks like the great and powerful and very much alive Saddam himself. Duvall, a villain, kills the man, but it is the movies which are not to be believed, unless it is Wag the Dog, which is very much truth because it is all lies. And the movie is all lies, because I do not believe for a second that Duvall has for a girlfriend someone as young and as pretty as Luciana Pedraza, who is young enough to be Saddam's daughter or mistress.

Malibu's Most Wanted, starring Jamie Kennedy: The failure of this movie is abysmal--or abizzymal, as the villainous devil Jamie Kennedy says, doing a very awful impression of the great Eminem. May Kennedy be accursed for attempting such a movie that confuses and keeps in a quagmire an audience raised on the tyranny of MTV and al-Jazeera's accursed "rock block" of videos, which are most definitely not off the hook.

The Quiet American, starring Michael Caine: Such a thing does not exist, unless he is like a snake and cut into a million pieces. Most Americans are tarateers [translation: full of hot air or gas], who breathe the foul stench of evil and do not stop talking lies. Be quiet, Americans. We have you surrounded with tanks and sticks and shoes.

Anger Management, starring Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson: I speak better English than this villain Sandler, who is not fit to be beaten with shoes. (Though, to be fair, I did find Happy Gilmore quite funny, especially the part with Bob Barker, who is a devil dog.) As usual, Hollywood is relying on a desperate and stupid method of pairing two war criminals whose crime is being loud and obnoxious, like the mercenary devils they are and will be always be. (Nicholson, however, was robbed by Adrian Brody, that criminal.) Joe Roth, the villain who runs the stupidly named Revolution Studios, said his strategy is based on shock and awe. This movie was shocking only because it was so awesomely bad and retarded with shame and fear.

--Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf Wilonsky