By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
The Book on Golf
Should the girls be allowed to play with the boys on the PGA tour? Other than the editors of The New York Times and their crusade to open up Augusta National, who really gives a rat's ass? Well, you should, silly. There's Very Important Civil Rights issues at play in this sport...er, game...um, excuse to wear plaid and drink...whatever. Want to know what really goes on in the minds of pro golfers? Check out the latest literary offerings from the players on tour.
Sack of Kittens
In this installment of Sack of Kittens: Scum Scunge. Looks like? The chief export of Arlington, where long stringy hair, jailhouse tats and topiary-trimmed goatees appear to be some kind of punishable-by-law dress code. (Seriously, you might wanna keep an old Megadeth T-shirt in your trunk, just in case your car ever breaks down between Dallas and Fort Worth. It's the world's largest heavy-metal parking lot.) Sounds like? Hard to tell, since their debut, Five Bucks Ain't Shit, appears to have been recorded for the exact same dollar amount that appears in the title. From what we can make out, Scum Scunge aspires to be a Pantera cover band with Suicidal Tendencies, but makes it only as far as anonymous white-trash thrash. So, well, come to think of it, you might consider it mission accomplished. Never mind. Good job, guys. Member who clearly changed his name to join the band? Bassist Gristle T. Bates. Member who clearly should have? Guitarist Stuart Taylor. Image that tells you all you need to know? Scum Scunge fills in any and all remaining blanks with Five Bucks Ain't Shit's cover photo, which features a very sad Chihuahua taking a grump on a crisp Abe Lincoln. Replace the five spot with a copy of the actual disc, and you have a fairly accurate CD review. Number of kittens in the sack they're currently standing on? Five, but we don't feel half as sorry for them as we do for that Chihuahua. --Zac Crain
Annika's TO-DO LIST
1) Remind media Vijay is Fijian for "coward."
2) Picture male golfers nude, giggle inwardly at fact their breasts are waybigger than mine.
3) Remind David Toms I am just putting the "P" back in PGA.
4) Send Mike Lupica an e-mail, tell him to "go 'f' himself."
5) Ask Phil Mickelson how many majors he's won.
6) Find out who Nick Price is.
7) Send Tiger thank-you note for skipping this year's Colonial, making me the center of attention.
8) Ask Jim Furyk what he meant when he sent over Personal BestDVD.
9) Remind Hal Sutton that I've made twice as much as him this year. Tell him not to hit head on glass ceiling, ha ha.
10) Finish higher than Vijay and make him walk five feet behind me, son of a bitch. Oh, wait...