By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Dating the Greek Gods: Empowering Spiritual Messages on Sex and Love, Creativity and Wisdom, Brad Gooch "Soon after my fiftieth birthday, a metamorphosis occurred: I began dating Greek gods...Inspired--or as Socrates might have said, returned--I exited the church of the Great Friend, dedicated centuries ago by its founder to the practice of listening to the inner voice."
Whitegirl, Kate Manning "I was not always a white girl...Amen."
Iraq and roll
In its May 26 issue, Newsweek revealed that "U.S. military units have been breaking Saddam [Hussein] supporters with long sessions in which they're forced to listen to heavy metal and children's songs." Two of the most popular--or unpopular, as the case may be--were Drowning Pool's "Bodies" and pretty much anything by Barney. Given that both of these "artists" hail from the area, we thought we'd be helpful and compile a list of other local songs that might be useful in crushing the spirit of an irate Iraqi. Or, you know, whoever happens to be near the speakers.
LeAnn Rimes, "Purple Rain": The most battle-hardened Navy SEAL would give up his own grandmother before Rimes reaches the chorus of this bombastic beat-down of a Prince classic. The worst part is, even after it's over, it'll be stuck in your head like crime-scene photos.
Lisa Loeb, "Stay": Listened to this again to see if it filled the bill, and after 45 seconds, we started making up top-secret tales about Saddam just so it would go away.
Meat Loaf, "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)": Did you hear about the guy whose arm was crushed under a boulder, trapping him there for five days without food or water? The dude who then broke the aforementioned arm at the wrist, cut it off, rappelled down a cliff and hiked six miles to safety? Ten seconds of this, and that dude polishes a gun barrel with his mouth.
Deep Blue Something, "Breakfast at Tiffany's": On the cover two weeks ago, back under the bus today. They're nice guys, and unfortunately, this song sounds like it.
Kelly Clarkson, "Before Your Love": If the mistreatment of Clarkson's stellar pipes in the hands of Desmond Child and Cathy Dennis wouldn't push someone over the edge, the reminder that she beat out the obviously more talented Tamyra Gray will.
Alligator Dave and the Couch Band, "Purple Headed Warrior": "Purple headed warrior/Woman destroyer/I'm about to need a lawyer to tell you what she said!/She said, go on now, bend me over/Take that Range Rover of yours, and park it on my ass." That, folks, is just too much raw American sexuality for an Iraqi to take. And we should mention that the music will have your eardrums reaching for the ejector seat.
Vanilla Ice, "Too Cold": Probably the best/worst of the bunch, since it combines Drowning Pool's grating guitars with Barney's nursery-school rhyming. True, Robbie Van Winkle's original pass at this ("Ice Ice Baby") is probably more annoying, but the rap-metal remake has the advantage of sucking very loudly.