By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
There's no time like the present.
Please share with me for a moment my vision of this vast region north of Fort Worth in the years after the disestablishment of Wise County. For many years, forward-looking citizens have been searching for an area of the country where a large number of United Nations troops might be garrisoned. I don't think it's necessary or productive to go into the specific whys and wherefores on that in this article: We know what we're doing, and that's enough for us. The important thing is to get the U.N. troops onto American soil. Wise County is the perfect place. It's very flat and open, ideal for pitching tents and as a place from which to march on people.
Of course, after Wise County itself has been eliminated, the region will need some kind of interim provisional government. I have strong reason to believe that the plan to eliminate Wise County could even garner White House support if there were an agreement to put the new interim regime in the hands of the Trilateral Commission.
Unfortunately, there has been a lot of paranoia and misconception associated with the Trilateral Commission, a totally harmless organization formed in 1973 by private citizens from Europe, Japan and North America to help "think through the common challenges and leadership responsibilities" of the Western democracies. All of the things people have alleged about the Trilateral Commission trying to take over the world and establish an international government and eliminate school prayer and force men to cross-dress, that's all just crazy. It's complete rubbish. There is nothing to worry about. You have my personal assurance.
The only possible reason to force men in Wise County to dress as women would have to do with the mandatory ballet lessons--viewed by many highly trained and capable experts, including myself, as an effective way of breaking down traditional gender biases that may contribute to male learning disabilities, anger management problems, substance abuse and a host of other forms of personality normality dysfunctionality. And furthermore, the lessons we have in mind would be in regular street dress or exercise clothes, totally of the individual's choosing, at all practices. The only occasions where the men of Wise County would be required to dance in tutus would be public recitals.
I am not naïve, and I think I have a pretty good idea what kind of resistance there may be from the men of Wise County to dancing in public dressed in tutus (those are the cute little skirts worn over tights). Need I state the obvious? That's why the U.N. troops are there.
There will be resentment and even bitterness at first. A great deal of attention must be devoted to the healing process. And this is where I see Senator Hillary Clinton coming in. This is just a dream. I don't think we would ever be lucky enough to get her. But she is definitely the kind of person--just the right combination of tenderness and authority--to make all of this work.
The ideal outcome--perhaps impossible but still worth dreaming of--would be massive public ballet recitals with the men of Wise County dancing in tutus at United Nations gunpoint, if necessary, under the direction of Hillary Clinton on national television.
I expect bumps in the road. Someone will have to pry their cold dead fingers off their Smith & Wessons, that's for sure. But we always have assumed that would be the first thing to do going in. We actually have machines prepared that can automate that process.
There may be an interim period where clergy will only be allowed to deliver sermons that have been prepared by the Supreme Court.
It's possible that some of the most recalcitrant Wise County residents may have to be temporarily resettled in East Dallas for political re-education. I know of several neighborhoods in my part of town, the ultra-liberal arts-and-crafts district, where people would welcome the challenge of helping Wise County residents become more like us. There's really nothing quite like a great big old East Dallas pottery-making party where we get all sticky with wet clay and then hug. Maybe you have to be there to understand.
These issues, even the resettlement thing, really are small problems, balanced against the greater good. Mission No. 1, and the goal on which we must all keep our eyes, is "No More Wise." Under my plan, assuming the Trilateral Commission is able to force the White House to take Governor Perry by the ear on this, we would see the total elimination of Wise County as a legal, political, social entity by no later than the end of this year.
After that, anything is possible. Next on the agenda for Wise? French, as the official language.