Q & Eh

Plus: Man Crush; I Already Miss the Sumbitch

Q & Eh
After interviewing Lisa Loeb about her role as Mary Jane Watson in MTV's new animated series Spider-Man almost a month ago, we set the tape aside, thinking we'd get around to transcribing it closer to the time the show was set to debut--July 11, 9 p.m. No point in dealing with it until then.

Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Damn. It. As you may have guessed, we just tried to listen to the aforementioned tape and, well, nothing is there. Unless you consider plenty of static "something." And if we had any plans of forming an ambient electronic group, we might. But since our assignment was to turn in a Q&A with the Hockaday graduate for Full Frontal, we are, as they say in the business, screwed.

While we try to figure out what to do here, allow us to kill some time with a bit of info about the series. Spider-Man picks up roughly a year after the events that unfolded in last summer's hugely successful live-action adaptation. Besides for Loeb, Neil Patrick Harris stars as Peter Parker/Spider-Man, and 90210 castoff Ian Ziering plays Harry Osborn. The animation, a combination of computer-generated and traditional imaging that gives the characters a 3-D look, takes some getting used to, but is pretty schweet once you do. And best of all, Brian Michael Bendis, the genius behind the Ultimate Spider-Man comic books, is a writer and co-executive producer for the show. We saw two episodes. They were good.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary: Lisa Loeb gives voice to MJ in the new animated Spider-Man.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary: Lisa Loeb gives voice to MJ in the new animated Spider-Man.
Say it ain’t so, Carl.
Kevin Scanlon
Say it ain’t so, Carl.

OK, now, if you'll bear with us, we'll do our best to reconstruct the ill-fated interview with Loeb.

Who do you think is a hotter Mary Jane: Kirsten Dunst or the animated version with your voice?

Me.

[Loeb has a point; the CG-version of MJ is the sexiest cartoon character this side of Daphne from Scooby-Doo, or, say, Betty Rubble. She added that what makes her MJ hotter is that she's so independent, doesn't need anyone else, that kind of thing. We were thinking it had more to do with the animators giving MJ, ahem, generous proportions and a wardrobe consisting of nothing but hip-huggers and belly shirts, paired with Loeb's breathy voice. For now, we'll just have to agree to disagree.]

Actually, that's about all we remember from the interview off the top of our head. We do remember kidding Loeb about her filmography (she says there will be no sequel to 1999's Serial Killing 4 Dummies--son of a bitch--and, in fact, has never even seen the movie), and she talked, at length, about her new project with boyfriend Dweezil Zappa. It's a new show for the Food Network that falls somewhere between Martha Stewart and Sharon Osbourne, following two people who "have everything from William-Sonoma but only know how to use a quarter of it, people who eat at The Mansion one day and Denny's the next." Oh, and she told us to say hello to Robert Wilonsky.

Hello, Robert. --Zac Crain

Man crush
After two big Supreme Court decisions--diversity in universities and the overturning of the Texas sodomy law--the next big area of legal intrigue is supposed to be the idea of legalizing gay marriages. At least we think we remember reading that in Newsweek. In anticipation, the men of Full Frontal would like to present, in no certain order (well, from top to bottom), the Top 10 Dudes We'd Totally Marry.

George Clooney:We'd like to swim in Danny Ocean.

Alex Rodriguez:We're already in scoring position.

Brad Pitt:Hit us as hard as you possibly can.

Troy Aikman:Dude, he'd totally be into it.

Taye Diggs:Give us a big lump of that Brown Sugar.

Sam Shepard:This playwright has The Right Stuff.

Dave Grohl:We wouldn't put up a Foo Fight.

Mark Cuban:If only so we could get half in the divorce.

George Lopez:He makes us laugh.

Johnny Depp:Who's Eating Gilbert Grape? We are.

I Already Miss the Sumbitch
This is a sad time for us here at the Dallas Observer and especially for me. Carl Everett is gone.

Everett, who last week was traded from the Texas Rangers to the Chicago White Sox, had a unique relationship with yours truly. That is, he didn't like me much. Which is to say, he hated me. A lot. While covering spring training this year in Surprise, Arizona, and attempting to interview Everett for a feature I was crafting, Combustible Carl and I got into a heated argument in the Rangers clubhouse. Nose-to-nose, we shouted each other down in a conversation laced with serious expletives. Many spectators, reporters and players alike, watched with mouths agape. Fun. Naturally, media outlets from Boston to Big D picked up on the story, and for a good long week I was praised by some for standing up for myself and derided by others for being an instigator and a jerk. Also fun.

Alas, it's all over now. No chance for one more round with Everett, who, it should be remembered, asked me during our tiff if I wanted to box him. In one of the smarter decisions I've ever made, I declined.

A final anecdote to show you, dear reader, that despite the venom spewed by both Everett and myself, there are no hard feelings on either end--though for confused and very different reasons, methinks.

About a month after the season began, I finally made it out to the Ballpark to kick around the clubhouse and conduct some interviews. While standing next to a reporter pal of mine, Everett wandered over and, unsolicited, offered me advice on how to improve my look.

"You have too much hair," he told me, "and your eyebrows are too big." He was right on both fronts, but since it was our first conversation since the spring training blowup, I just kinda stood there, baffled. "Come on over to my locker and I'll hook up that head...I'll shave it like mine."

He laughed and walked away. That was it.

I'm not sure if he was trying to make nice in his own unusual way or if (and this is my hunch) he simply didn't remember me. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Either way, I'm sorry to see him go, because where Carl Everett is involved, there's always a good story to tell.

--John Gonzalez

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