Lancing Plano

Plus: Wish You Were Here; Clues for Camp

For us, not so much. We spend most of our time actually trying to be entertained--and two hours of watching seven-on-seven drills doesn't fill our tank. The local newspaper in Dallas will print a sanitized list of interesting things to do for ladies, gentlemen and children while visiting the Alamo City. You, however, are none of those things. So, as a public service, here is a list of things for the loser guy football geeks to do while in San Antonio:

Happy hour: For early-evening schmoozing, head to Stone Werks (7300 Jones Maltsberger Road, 210-828-3508), a noted singles spot in SA. They have drink specials, a sweet patio and a unique ability to make patrons believe they can actually pick up the sophisticated women sipping cocktails.

Chow and beer: To get your drink on, try Fatso's Sports Garden (1704 Bandera Road, 210-432-0121). They have 16 satellite receivers, so you'll get all manner of games including, but not limited to, whatever pro wrestling event might be on that evening. (For bonus points, show up dressed as your favorite wrestler and body slam one of the waitstaff; they love that at Fatso's.) They also have volleyball, pool, picnic tables and the usual assortment of beer and games (trivia, karaoke and the like). Drink enough, and that last bit won't even bother you. Much.

Mischief: Once you're all lubed up, you're going to want to get into some trouble. For starters, pick a fight with someone, preferably on the River Walk (we hate that thing...so low-rent, wannabe Europe). From there, buy some eggs and stroll on over to the SBC Center, where the Spurs play. As you hurl your yolky-bombs at the edifice, be sure to announce, loud and proud, that Tim Duncan is a skirt and you're a Mavs fan.

Sad last stab at love: Once it gets late and you, being a loser, realize you once again have not found a date, try some late-night entertainment, by which we mean strip clubs. We've never been to any of the clubs down there, but these have cool names: Club Desire (6514 Old Highway 90, 210-670-0585) and Horsing Around (3705 Roosevelt, 210-927-4811). The girls there really like you for who you are, not for how much money you have in your wallet. It's true. Seriously. Just ask them.

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