By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Any Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader and any Mavs Dancer
Singers Erykah Badu and N'Dambi
Political consultants Lisa LeMaster and Carol Reed
Position: Chief of Police
Salary: Commensurate with experience + collection-plate bonus
Start date: Immediately
Want to be an "untouchable"? Are you the "me" in Crime City? There's nothing fake about this job offer: The city of Dallas is searching for a new chief of police, and you may be the perfect man (or woman, says our city attorney) for the job. There has never
been a better time to join the DPD, which has just moved into new headquarters and is enjoying a higher media profile than in any time in its recent past.
As chief of police, you will be given unprecedented leeway to run a major, progressive, compassionate crime-fighting department--or simply run it into the ground, whichever you see fit. You, as the new chief, can go nowhere but up--or down, rather, on the FBI's list of most-violent cities. You will have the support of some of the city's most vocal religious and community leaders, especially after you're fired for doing your job poorly. You will be able to dodge the blame repeatedly for scandal after scandal. You will not have to answer to anyone when things go bad. You will not have to talk to the press. You will not be responsible for maintaining
department morale--already at an all-time low! You will be able to hire and fire whomever you want, and if someone has to pay for it, it will be the city, not you. You will be able to work with the Federal Bureau of Investigation--or not, your call!
As chief of police, you will work closely with the city manager, who will be open and honest in his dealings with the chief. You will work closely with the mayor and the city council, who serve no agendas other than those of their constituents. This is an exciting time for the Dallas Police Department, and we're looking for qualified candidates to put the blue back in the black. Send résumés, real or otherwise, to Ted Benavides, City Manager, Dallas City Hall, 1500 Marilla St., Room 4EN, Dallas, TX 75201, 214-670-3296, (fax) 214-670-3946.