By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Now, listen carefully here: Buzz is not saying that work is for chumps. Although when Bart Simpson made that statement, Homer did have the perfect comeback: "Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out." Buzz is just saying that it would pay a lot better to be a flimflam man than to be, say, an editor at an alt-weekly. (Granted, the hours are the same, but still.)
Which brings Buzz back to his favorite local seller of goods nobody needs, Jovan. Jovan has a last name, but sometimes it's "Philyaw" (he's the guy who convinced The Dallas Morning News to spend nearly $40 million on the Cuecat), and sometimes he goes by "J. Hutton Pulitzer" (go to www.jhuttonpulitzer.com for more info on Jovan than Buzz can stomach). Now, Jovan apparently has a new product he's trying to hawk: bottled rainwater.
What's that you say? You don't believe it? Why would anyone want to take the pure, simple, acid-filled droplets from the filthy sky and bottle them up? Folks, we've been over this before: It's because people are idiots, and they love to give their money to people who make outrageous promises. Which is, again, a good job if you can get it. It proves you're smarter than Buzz--which, let's face it, ain't saying much.
Jovan has applied for a trademark on the word "purain," supposedly the name brand he'll use to sell the bottled stuff--see www.purain.com for a glimpse of a mysterious, unfinished Web site that touts "Pure drinking water straight from God! Untouched by man or land!" In his patent application, he describes the product thusly:
"Bottled water for drinking. Mineral and aerated enhanced rain waters and other non-alcoholic drinks, including rainwater and flavoured waters; fruit drinks and fruit juices; syrups and other preparations for making beverages both hot and cold, such as beers, sodas, coffee or tea."
Now, since Jovan didn't call us back, we're not sure if he's doing this for himself, fronting for others or going back to creating infomercials--which is largely how he made his money in the first place. We do know that we're hoping to get in on the ground floor of this deal, as being in on the back end of his deals usually doesn't work out so well.
And, really, who is Buzz to make fun of another man's dream. He'll face some hurdles, though. After all, something similar was tried in 1992, according to a trademark application. That's when someone applied for a trademark on the phrase "If rainwater from Tahiti isn't pure, we're on the wrong planet." That, too, was for bottled water. And that person's name was Marlon Brando.