List o'Plenty

Plus: Mo' Mavs

List O’ Plenty

As the holiday season approaches, we asked the Full Frontal staffers to give us their reasons for thanks. Because it's Thanksgiving. Next week. See what we did there? The ladies were professional and came up with a real list. The lazy men, not so much:

Girls of Full Frontal

1. Rhinestones (never out of style)

2. Free promotional items that can be re-gifted

3. Five-for-$19.50 panty sales at Victoria's Secret

4. Seasonal peppermint ice cream

5. Our breasts

Guys of Full Frontal

1. Pearl necklaces (never out of style)

2. Free chalupas when the Mavs score 100

3. Five-for-$19.50 panty sales at Victoria's Secret

4. Seasonal tryptophan overdoses

5. Salesgirls' breasts

Mo’ Mavs

High-ranking Full Frontal officials attended a Mavs game last week. They filed a post-victory report titled "Even Though the Team Kicks Major Ass, These Are the Things About Going to a Mavs Game That Make You Feel As Though You've Just Been Kicked in the Junk." Excerpts follow:

"...and that's when PA announcer 'Humble' Billy Hayes began his over-the-top, orgiastic player introductions. It felt as though we'd been kicked in the junk by former Dallas Cowboys punter Filip Filipovic."

"...and Mark Cuban was chatting up Michael Finley during the shoot-around, when players are supposed to be, you know, shooting around. It was a slight kick to the junk, like when your 2-year-old nephew runs straight into your crotch."

"...then during the time-out huddle, Cubes leaned in from the back of the group trying to hear Nellie. It was as though WWE superstar The Undertaker, who was on hand, had drop-kicked us in the junk."

"...whoever came up with the idea to have interviews with fans in the upper levels (a.k.a. the "self-expression section") broadcast arenawide over the PA system during time-outs should know that they are administering Chuck Norris-level junk-kicks to the fans several times a game."

"...when Mavs Man does anything, it's as though he's performed a back handspring onto a trampoline and hurled himself into the air as he executes a triple somersault and, just at the last possible moment, slams a basketball squarely into our junk."

"...in the second half, when you realize that Billy Hayes isn't going to tone it down, it's a horrifying kick to the junk, like when your 9-year-old daughter announces, 'I don't think I'll ever have children, because it's too much pressure...in my vagina!'"

 
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