FF's First-Ever Holiday Gift Guide

From tasty to tasteless, we've got our bases covered

The Turd Twister (turdtwister.com): As featured on So Graham Norton, this cheap ($9.95) starter kit helps you pass the time by shaping your poo like Christmas cookies. North Texas Exotic Car Rental (exoticcarrentaloftexas.com): Daily prices start at $299 for a Porsche Boxster and go up to $1,495 for a Ferrari 360 Modena. Hourly rates, too. Hummers available. Peter Petrie Egg Separator (stupid.com): Billed as “the most unappetizing kitchen tool ever,” this is a great gift ($12.99) for the idiot in your family. Or your friends with poor taste. Mavs Man Appearance Package (dallasmavericks.com): Why just be annoyed at the Dallas Mavericks mascot at the games? You can pay up to $1,200 to have him figuratively kick you in the junk anytime! Sky King Tricycle (restorationhardware.com): What spoiled brat doesn’t need his or her own overpriced hunk of retro-cool? At only $199, you can thumb your nose at the poor in style. Knurled Recipe Cocktail Shaker (restorationhardware.com): There are few better gifts than drinkin’ gifts ($49). And this tells you how to make the drinks. With its knurls. That’s why it’s knurled. Ceramic Smoking Baby (mcphee.com): Does this really need explanation? It’s ceramic. It’s a baby. It’s $4.95. And it smokes. Semenex (semenex.com): The Web site says Semenex ($13.95 to $49.95) “is an all-natural, patented powder drink for men that safely and effectively sweetens semen as it is produced in the male.” What about that doesn’t scream, “Christmas?”
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