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National Features >

City Pages
Michele Bachmann, Unmuzzled
You don't need to read Sarah Palin's book to hear the ravings of a mad woman.
By Matt Snyders
Miami New Times
Pimp Daddy
The rise and fall of a chubby sex-cult leader.
By Natalie O'Neill
Riverfront Times
Babe 'n' Arms
Tom was a hot-tempered cross-dresser with a garage full of guns--and then he became Rachel.
By Nicholas Phillips

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Bolton No More in ’04

And other New Year’s resolutions we’re not sticking with

Published on January 15, 2004

1. I will stop referring to my porn addiction as "work-related."

2. I will stop smoking (fine, I will stop smoking in restaurants).

3. I will stop trying to shut down topless bars.

4. I will get rid of these cornrows.

5. I will stop referring to my The Simple Lifeaddiction as a "guilty pleasure."

6. I will stop asking my old friend Sheriff Jim Bowles for work.

7. I will stop asking people if they like my "Queer Eyelook."

8. I will take the Paris Hilton sex tape off my work computer. Eventually.

9. I will stop saying Quincy Carter sucks, if you will admit he actually does.

10. I will stop being against the war in Iraq.

11. I will start being against the war in Vietnam.

12. I will stop referring to my office as a "spider hole."

13. I will stop referring to my wife as a "spider hole."

14. I will stop trying to recall Laura Miller.

15. I will stop referring to Ted Benavides as "mayor."

16. I will stop shipping myself home in a crate.

17. I will stop giving high fives to passengers at the LBJ-Central Expressway interchange.

18. I will stop trying to trade Alex Rodriguez to the Boston Red Sox.

19. I will start trying to trade Tom Hicks to the Boston Red Sox.

20. I will stop asking people if tuna is chicken.

21. I will stop making Jessica Simpson jokes.

22. I will stop getting mugged in Deep Ellum.

23. I will start getting mugged on Lower Greenville.

24. I will stop letting my thong peek out of my low-rise jeans (unless I am super-hot).

25. I will admit that Lord of the Rings: Return of the Kingsucks.

26. I will stop letting my children sleep over at Michael Jackson's.

27. I will start letting my children sleep over at Mark Cuban's.

28. I will stop selling Rush Limbaugh drugs.

29. I will stop trying to get Natalie Maines deported.

30. I will start trying to get Pat Green deported.

31. I will stop loving the '80s (but not the '70s).

32. I will stop using the phrase "the perfect storm."

33. I will finally dump Jennifer Lopez.

34. I will admit that those penis-enlargement and Viagra e-mails aren't spam.

35. I will find someone to pick on besides Terrell Bolton. How, I have no idea.

36. I will stop referring to you as "my wing man."

37. I will stop tearing down every building in downtown and replacing them with parks and statues of myself.

38. I will find out the names of the city council members.

39. I will renew my subscriptions to The New Republic, The New York Review of Books, The New Yorkerand Barely Legal.

40. I will stop allowing in cheap goals.

41. I will stop dunking over Shawn Bradley.

42. I will stop catching rides from Dwayne Goodrich.

43. I will stop fishing on area lakes with Justin Guarini.

44. I will admit that I couldn't make it all the way through Angels in America.

45. I will stop using the words awesome, dude, s'up, holmes, fo'shizzle and fake drugs.

46. I will stop taking credit for the success of Norah Jones.

47. I will stop thanking the Lord in all my acceptance speeches.

48. I will make Heather Hayes love me.

49. I will make Jody Dean love himself.

50. I will stop inserting Ticket drops into my everyday conversation, because they are a whip.

For Our Homies

As another year begins, we pause for a cause: remembering those who left us in 2003. Join us in tipping our 40s in honor of all the homies who couldn't be here.

Tex Schramm, Dallas Cowboys president and GM

Nell Carter, actress

Al Hirschfeld, cartoonist

Nedra Volz, "Adelaide" on Diff'rent Strokes

Maurice Gibb, musician

Richard Crenna, actor

Johnny Paycheck, musician

The Dallas Mavericks' L.A. losing streak

Fred Rogers, children's show host

Lynne Thigpen, actress

Michael Jeter, actor

Michael Kelly, journalist