By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
1. I will stop referring to my porn addiction as "work-related."
2. I will stop smoking (fine, I will stop smoking in restaurants).
3. I will stop trying to shut down topless bars.
4. I will get rid of these cornrows.
5. I will stop referring to my The Simple Lifeaddiction as a "guilty pleasure."
6. I will stop asking my old friend Sheriff Jim Bowles for work.
7. I will stop asking people if they like my "Queer Eyelook."
8. I will take the Paris Hilton sex tape off my work computer. Eventually.
9. I will stop saying Quincy Carter sucks, if you will admit he actually does.
10. I will stop being against the war in Iraq.
11. I will start being against the war in Vietnam.
12. I will stop referring to my office as a "spider hole."
13. I will stop referring to my wife as a "spider hole."
14. I will stop trying to recall Laura Miller.
15. I will stop referring to Ted Benavides as "mayor."
16. I will stop shipping myself home in a crate.
17. I will stop giving high fives to passengers at the LBJ-Central Expressway interchange.
19. I will start trying to trade Tom Hicks to the Boston Red Sox.
20. I will stop asking people if tuna is chicken.
21. I will stop making Jessica Simpson jokes.
22. I will stop getting mugged in Deep Ellum.
23. I will start getting mugged on Lower Greenville.
24. I will stop letting my thong peek out of my low-rise jeans (unless I am super-hot).
25. I will admit that Lord of the Rings: Return of the Kingsucks.
26. I will stop letting my children sleep over at Michael Jackson's.
27. I will start letting my children sleep over at Mark Cuban's.
28. I will stop selling Rush Limbaugh drugs.
29. I will stop trying to get Natalie Maines deported.
30. I will start trying to get Pat Green deported.
31. I will stop loving the '80s (but not the '70s).
32. I will stop using the phrase "the perfect storm."
33. I will finally dump Jennifer Lopez.
34. I will admit that those penis-enlargement and Viagra e-mails aren't spam.
35. I will find someone to pick on besides Terrell Bolton. How, I have no idea.
36. I will stop referring to you as "my wing man."
37. I will stop tearing down every building in downtown and replacing them with parks and statues of myself.
38. I will find out the names of the city council members.
40. I will stop allowing in cheap goals.
41. I will stop dunking over Shawn Bradley.
42. I will stop catching rides from Dwayne Goodrich.
43. I will stop fishing on area lakes with Justin Guarini.
44. I will admit that I couldn't make it all the way through Angels in America.
45. I will stop using the words awesome, dude, s'up, holmes, fo'shizzle and fake drugs.
46. I will stop taking credit for the success of Norah Jones.
47. I will stop thanking the Lord in all my acceptance speeches.
48. I will make Heather Hayes love me.
49. I will make Jody Dean love himself.
50. I will stop inserting Ticket drops into my everyday conversation, because they are a whip.
For Our Homies
As another year begins, we pause for a cause: remembering those who left us in 2003. Join us in tipping our 40s in honor of all the homies who couldn't be here.
Nell Carter, actress
Al Hirschfeld, cartoonist
Maurice Gibb, musician
Richard Crenna, actor
Johnny Paycheck, musician
The Dallas Mavericks' L.A. losing streak
Fred Rogers, children's show host
Lynne Thigpen, actress
Michael Jeter, actor
Michael Kelly, journalist
Robert Atkins, diet doctor
Nina Simone, singer
Robert Stack, actor
June Carter Cash, singer
DeVon "Robot Man" Smith, world-champion hitchhiker
David Brinkley, TV journalist
Gregory Peck, actor
Hume Cronyn, actor
Strom Thurmond, politician
Buddy Hackett, comedian/actor
Katharine Hepburn, actress
The idea of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq
Herbie Mann, musician
David Bloom, journalist
Barry White, singer
Buddy Ebsen, actor/dancer
John Schlesinger, director
Bob Hope, comedian
Gregory Hines, dancer/actor
The coolness of Friendster
Idi Amin, dictator
Charles Bronson, bad ass
Warren Zevon, singer/songwriter
Edward Teller, "the father of the H-bomb"
John Ritter, actor
Johnny Cash, Man in Black
Gordon Jump, actor
George Plimpton, jack-of-all-trades
Robert Palmer, singer
Scott Ginsburg's house
Donald O'Connor, actor/dancer
Wesley Clark's viability as a presidential candidate
Elia Kazan, director
Willie Shoemaker, jockey
Jack Elam, actor
Fred Berry, "Rerun"
Elliott Smith, singer/songwriter
Rod Roddy, announcer
Bobby Hatfield, singer
Art Carney, actor
Jonathan Brandis, actor
Gene Anthony Ray, dancer/actor
Don Gibson, singer/songwriter
Michael Kamen, composer
Jeanne Crain, actress (no relation)
Gary Stewart, singer/songwriter
My sense of decency