There are blond jokes (Jessica Simpson on reality TV; Britney Spears on reality altogether: witness her 30-second Vegas marriage to a high school honey) and there are blond jokesters (Ellen DeGeneres in Finding Nemo; Joan Rivers in Finding Her Face). But the blonde who likely created the blond bombshell genre and the sexual humor--both dumb and double entendres--was screen sexpot Mae West ("I made myself a platinum but I was born a dirty blonde."). Theatre Three is presenting an offbeat homage to West in its upcoming production Dirty Blonde, a play by Claudia Shear, an actress/writer who spent three years researching her subject. In the play, two West-obsessed fans meet at her grave on her birthday, framing the opportunity for episodic reenactments of West's life and legend. West was entrapped in the image of the hottie, an icon she regrettably felt compelled to portray even after she became an octogenarian. Theatre Three will give the show a five-week run beginning with preview performances on March 11 and continuing through April 17. Call 214-871-3300. --Mark Donald
Dave Attell's antics on his city-carousing, late-night comedy show Insomniacare deranged and sophomoric enough to rival even the wildest frat boy, Spring Break, Brew-A-Palooza. Not that we'd, um, know about that kind of behavior, right? But when not drinking himself into a stupor or terrorizing people in the nation's many bar scenes, it appears that Attell does a bit of work in the ol' stand-up comedy world. Dave Attell will be bringing his rather old-school, slightly morose, joke-style comedy to the boards of the Addison Improv, 4980 Belt Line Road, March 11 through March 14. Show times are Thursday and Sunday at 8:30 p.m.; Friday at 8:30 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.; and Saturday at 7 p.m., 9 p.m., and 11 p.m. Dining is available during the show, should one desire comedy-accompanying munchies. And, even if you don't, you're required to in order to fulfill the two-item minimum. Tickets are $27 and all are general admission seating, so get there early to snag spots in either the smoking or non-smoking section. Or call ahead; reservations guarantee priority seating. Only those 21 and older admitted because of crudeness, beer and other things that are bad for 20-year-olds. Not that we'd know about those. either. Call 972-404-8501. --Mary MonigoldPirouettes and Pratfalls
To us less-cultured plebeians, ballet equals grace and an almost-sterile organization, and comedy is falling down the stairs and causing a ruckus. But somehow--and even with a lack of words and slipping on bananas--the Texas Ballet Theater still manages to create "ballet comedy" with Coppélia. The cast will take the Music Hall at Fair Park stage, 909 First Ave., in all their leotarded glory and wit March 12 through March 14. Call 1-877-212-4280 or visit www.texasballettheater.org. --Mary MonigoldWhich Witch?
Before Harry Potter, before the Goosebumps gang, before Superfudge or Ramona Quimby, there was The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. In the beguiling first installment of C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia series, four children navigate a mystical world of white witches and magical fauns. Dallas Children's Theater dramatizes the story in a show that runs March 12 through April 4 at the Rosewood Center for Family Arts. It's every bit as thrilling as those J.K. Rowling adventures and, once the Disney version hits in Christmas 2005, it's sure to be just as popular. Call 214-740-0051. --Sarah Hepola Out of the Closet
The scream team skates into town
The next time you're forced to have lunch with sales reps you don't know or co-workers you don't like, fill the awkward silence with this time-tested conversation-starter. "If you could have an intimate dinner with any three people, living or dead, whom would you choose?" When it's your turn, say, "Sigmund Freud, Michael Jackson and Walt Disney." Freud, you'd explain, would take notes while Jacko and Uncle Walt compared notes on theme parks, luring and loving children. Freud would go off on Jackson's "Peter Pan" complex, and Disney would seek psychological absolution for building an animated feature film empire by playing on every child's deepest, darkest fear: Losing Mama. Only Freud could figure out why Disney chose to adapt or create stories that made mothers superfluous--Bambi, Dumbo, Cinderella, Peter Pan--or why children loved them. Disney's contemporary films continue the founder's legacy, and only the recent mega-hit, Monsters, Inc., shifts the fear-gear from motherlessness to another elemental childhood horror--monsters in the closet. Disney/Pixar's main monsters--one-eyed Mike, voiced by Billy Crystal, and John Goodman's large, lovable and furry Sully--only "scare because they care." They're model employees at an energy factory in an alternative universe that powers itself by inducing screaming night terrors in little kids. In true Disney style, Monsters, Inc. comes to the Fort Worth Convention Center for Disney on Ice March 17 through March 21 with morning, matinee and evening performances. Costumed skaters recreate the best scenes and songs from the movie. For tickets ranging from $10 to $50, call 972-647-5700 or visit www.ticketmaster.com. The show also runs March 24 through March 28 at Dallas' American Airlines Center. --Annabelle Massey Helber