By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
Answering some pressing questions. First: Could 100 monkeys typing on 100 typewriters actually write the Great American Novel? Next: What is more fun than a barrel o' monkeys?
Building the Jabari "Monkey See, Monkey Do" Memorial: Perhaps David Schwarz could design it. Just thinking out loud here.
Funding the Jabari Hall of Fame. This would feature our precocious deceased primate, Houston Texans tight end Jabari Holloway and 6-foot-11 Sacramento Kings reserve center Jabari Smith.
Jane magazine says Damageplan's Vinnie Paul wins the "Jerk of the Year Award" for an e-mail the former Pantera member sent in for the magazine's "special celeb-produced issue." We think he just needs a little sensitivity training--or maybe a kick in the face. In the meantime, we've rewritten Paul's piece in hopes that he eventually will learn the joys of self-editing. The words in bold are ours, not Paul's. We've also fixed his spelling, punctuation and a few other things that make him look, well, really effin' stupid. (If you want to see the e-mail, go buy the May issue of Jane, cheapskate.) --Rhonda Reinhart
How to Get Women With Loose Morals to Work for You
By Damageplan's Vinnie Paul
Hiring beautiful women to work at the Clubhouse, my Dallas gentlemen's club, is one hell of a chore. We have very high standards. First, if they aren't attractive with their clothes on, then they're not gonna be attractive with their clothes off!!!!! Once they pass the first general appearance test, then you gotta see if they can dance. Some girls look great but dance like Pee-Wee Herman doing the "Tequila" dance, and that doesn't fly around here. Third, you gotta check 'em out nude. Some chicks still haven't figured out that the '70s went out around 30 years ago, and so did the hairy nether region. Our policy: Good Grooming Is a Must!!!! If they still look good, I got one hell of an assortment of razors to straighten that out. Last--and this is the best part of owning a gentlemen's club--they have to provide top-notch fellatio. I guess the worst part is when they come in and they're really sweet but you can't hire 'em 'cause they have a cosmetically unappealing face or stretch marks or gravitationally challenged breasts but they still provide top-notch fellatio. All right, folks, now find a few friends and hit the ATM and come on down and see us.