On the Run

Fastest paws around 8/27

The ancient Mayans were mad scientists. "Mad" primarily as in "mad skillz"-- corn didn't just happen, you know. But there may have been a little derangement in there, too. Why else would anyone contrive that unholy union of dog and bat that is the Chihuahua? The trembling, radar-eared canines still evoke involuntary mad scientist cackles. Only a society truly consumed by greed and hubris could ever hope to top the ancient abomination spawned by those sun-worshiping Frankensteins of the Yucatan. No, we're not talking about the liger, though that's pretty much our favorite, too. We're talking about the marketing department at Petco, the folks who are proud to give us the 2005 National Chihuahua Races. Clearly the only thing better than one canine-chiroptera is a whole bunch of them frantically scurrying as if for their very lives, a gang of torch-bearing villagers hot on their heels. But this spectacle is not for mere amusement of the pea-brained pygmies' masters. The winning team gets a trip to the national finals in San Diego on Petco's dime, and just getting your bitch in a heat gets you a free T-shirt. If the Mayans had only had free T-shirts, maybe their empire would have lasted as long as their pets. The race is at Reverchon Park, 3505 Maple Ave., at 9 a.m. Saturday. Visit www.PETCO.com/PETCOunleashed. --Rick Kennedy Freaks OUt

8/26

Women have been able to vote in the United States since 1920. They can hold political office, run businesses, kick field goals for college football teams and serve in the military, but apparently they still can't figure out their way around a sportbike. Thank goodness the folks at the Super Summer Sportbike Freak Out have been kind enough to provide free wave runner rides "for the ladies." You know, because water is softer than concrete, and they wouldn't want the girls to hurt themselves before the Bikes & Babes Contest. The event benefits the Make-A-Wish Foundation--eerily appropriate since surely there is a sick little girl somewhere just dreaming of becoming America's next "Sportbike Diva." There will be bikes and free beer there, too. You know, for the dudes. It takes place 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. Saturday at Grapevine Lake, 110 Fairway Drive. Admission is $10 per person or $30 per carload. Call 214-280-1443 or visit www.sportbikefreakout.com. --Noah W. Bailey

 
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