By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Alice Laussade
By Scott Reitz
On February 22, founding Korn guitarist Brian "Head" Welch announced his departure from the band, claiming the band's music and lifestyle conflicted with his recent rededication to Christianity. However, we recently uncovered a prayer journal that suggests moral objections weren't the only motive for his exodus.
February 22, 2005: God, thank you for making it clear to me Korn was becoming even worse than when we started. You showed me that the new producers and co-writers for the next album were harboring the devil's spirit. I will continue to walk your path in the hope that it leads me to a decent Christian rock band to join...anything but rap-metal.
February 24: I just spoke about my recent conversion at the Valley Bible Fellowship with about 10,000 in the congregation. Some hot little Korn groupies in the front row too. Not a bad crowd. I could get to liking this Christianity business.
February 25: God, I know U2 has gotten along just fine with one guitarist all these years, but please persuade Bono to reconsider. Just think: The names "Edge" and "Head" on the same stage? That'd be killer.
April 1: Still can't find a band. Even the non-mainstream Christian singers and bands whose music I don't like--16 Horsepower, Pedro the Lion, Sufjan Stevens, the Danielson Famile, Damien Jurado--aren't returning my phone calls. I would say "screw them," but as a Christian, I prefer to say "blight them." My awesome Marshall-stack shredding is too holy for them anyway. God, please punish these indie-rock snobs with a lifetime of club-gig drudgery.
June 23: Thank you for helping me get the orphanage in India started. God, please help me withstand the smell of those dirty leper kids. Or if that's too much, maybe help Kanye West to understand how great a collaboration album we could make.
July 1: Just picked up another rejection letter at the nearby postal station. Even those old has-beens in Petra say they don't need another guitarist. For crying out loud, God, can't you at least make Stryper give me a shot? I'm getting desperate here, sleeping in a Third World hut with a bunch of diseased orphans who've never even heard of Slayer.
December 7: Today, I must make a confession--I downloaded the new Korn album. I know that stealing is a sin, but praise be to you, God, that I wasn't the last rat off that sinking ship. Bringing in the Matrix to co-write was even more unnecessary than the seventh string on my guitars. I mean, our old shit was pretty brainless, but at least it was sincere. Marilyn Manson could crap a better album than See You on the Other Side. And what idiot told Jonathan he could sing?
December 9: The guys in P.O.D. said they'd think about it. Thank you, Jesus!