By Kelly Dearmore
By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Alice Laussade
Scott Stapp: Hello? (loud, crappy guitars in the background)
God: Scott? This is God.
SS: What? Hold on...Hey guys, could you quiet down? I've got an interview. [Editor's note: This is actually how Stapp opened the phone interview. Really. ] OK, sorry, we're practicing for our big rock tour full of passion and heart and energy. Who are you with again?
God: Scott, this isn't an interview. This is God.
SS: What channel is that?
God: I'm not from TV, Scott. I'm God. You know, that guy you're always alluding to in your lyrics. We need to...discuss some things.
SS: Oh! God? Wow, is it really you? I didn't know you called people, man! I thought you just sent signs and shit.
God: I've been sending them, Scott, but apparently you haven't noticed.
SS: You mean the success of my new solo album, The Great Divide?
God: No. Even I can't explain that one, and I'm the creator of all things. See, Scott, we need to talk about the path your life has taken.
SS: Yeah! It's really great. I have a hot new wife and a beautiful son and a great new band that just wants to rock with lots of passion and heart and energy. All my prayers have been answered.
God: That's the problem, Scott. I've been helping you out, but you've been...how should I put this? You've been making me look bad with your bonehead behavior.
SS: Uh-oh. Is this about the fight with 311 in that hotel? I can explain that. Did you hear the press conference I did?
God: Yes, every word, Scott. I've heard both sides of the story, and honestly, I don't care. Frankly, you're lucky it was the guys in 311 rather than someone, you know, better at music than you.
SS: I know.
God: But that's not all, Scott. I've noticed you've been hitting the sauce too often lately. You told the Dallas Observer you were sober! You said you were no longer drinking. And then a couple weeks later, I saw you get drunk in public again after your wedding. What's that about?
SS: I know, I know. But I also said I was just a human. I told those evil, sinful reporters, "I'm still trying to make it through this great divide, brother. And if I do make it through that great divide, I've still got to remind myself I'm broken. And that can mean a lot of things. That can mean I can't go back here...I can't go back here. I've got to keep the steps moving forward to be fulfilled and live in happiness."
God: I have no idea what that means, Scott. I thought maybe I was just old and out of touch, but Jesus said he didn't know what the heck you were talking about, either. Anyway, quit talking all that "great divide" mumbo jumbo. It's not gonna make me boost your album sales.
SS: Sorry, God.
God: And then that same week I hear about that sex tape starring you and Kid Rock.
SS: Oh no.
God: I saw the trailer, Scott, where you blasphemed me by saying "it's good to be the king" while being...ugh...pleasured. I saw it all go down the first time, too, but I thought for sure you and Kid would be smart enough not to let anyone tape it.
SS: I might have been drunk.
God: That's no excuse, Scott. And Kid Rock? I thought even you could pick a better wingman than that.
SS: I know, I know. But it's like I said in that interview, I'm just human. I told those jerky Judas reporters, "Look at the songs, man. Going back to the beginning, 'My Own Prison'--'I've created my own prison.' I mean obviously, I've created my own prison."
God: You really are a moron.
SS: But I was really nice to the reporters! I even said, "I love every single one of you, and I'll pray for all of you guys tonight whether you like me or not." That's good, right?
God: Not really, Scott. When you say you're praying, that implies you're asking me and...
SS: And what?
God: Well, Scott, Jesus and I have decided it would be best if you try to not associate yourself with us anymore. It's flattering how faithful you are. Really, it is. But you're a P.R. nightmare, and your music isn't exactly what I'd call "holy," or even "good."