By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Zzzzz: Buzz was fascinated to read Gerry Fraley's front-page story in The Dallas Morning News last Saturday about Major League Baseball's announcement that it will now test for amphetamine use among players--bringing a halt (as if) to widespread use of little green uppers. According to the story, the ban on greenies might mean more sluggish play, more fatigue among players, a harder time for relief pitchers and more reliance on the bench. "It's a new game, and it might be a lesser game," the story concluded.
Um, OK. But we thought we recalled that possession of amphetamines without a prescription is, like, a felony or something. Maybe Buzz's memory is faulty, but it seemed that speed in its various forms was the latest drug scourge sweeping the nation, out to eat your children, steal your soul, etc. We swear we read that somewhere. Fraley's story seems to be a little more flip about criminal drug abuse than is typical in the pages of a daily newspaper.
We checked with the Tarrant County District Attorney's Office. Yep, illegal possession of amphetamines is a felony--with penalties ranging anywhere from a few months in state jail for possession of fewer than four grams to up to 99 years in the pen for possession of 400 grams or more (The law is a little tougher on possessors of the more powerful methamphetamine favored by the common folk, but then everyone knows that rich professional athletes are much better at controlling their drug use than Bubba at the trailer park.)
In any event, it's time for baseball's pros to ditch their greenies. Buzz's suggestion: Don't flush them. Pass them out to the folks in the stands instead. They have to watch baseball, after all.
Draper was a joy to work with. Buzz will especially miss the delighted look on her face when we on the editorial side of the paper would do things like put pictures of big pink dildos on the cover or suggest that Deep Ellum was a good place to go to get mugged--decisions she had no control over but got to explain to our advertisers.
Nevertheless, we wish her luck at the new gig. Really, we do.
Oh, and congratulations on passing Belo Corp.'s drug test, Alison.
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