Get Thee Behind Me, Cookie

Can't legally buy crack. Noooo, that would be bad. Grass, heroin, X, speed? Go directly to jail. But cookies? Not only has the DEA failed to regulate these highly addictive, waistline-destroying sugar bombs, some wicked people are even teaching classeson how to bake them at the Central Market cooking school at Lovers Lane and Greenville Avenue from 10 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. on Wednesday. Ginger snaps! Chocolate-dipped Florentine shortbread! OHMIGOD, LEMON BARS! What's next, a lesson on how to turn cold tablets and drain cleaner into crank? We ask you: In the Bush, get-right-with-Juheezus, hate-the-sin, jail-the-sinner, wide-assed America, how can this be allowed? Go on, you libertines, call 214-361-5754 to register. Pay your $45 fee, you hedonists. Oh, and drop us by some lemon bars when you're done. Please? We need it, baby. We need it real bad.
Wed., March 22, 10 a.m.-12:30 p.m.

 
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