Show Biz

Biz Markie has got what I need...except for convenient contact information. So I hooked up with Drill Sergeant Harvey Walden IV, Biz's former ass-kicker from his time on VH-1's Celebrity Fit Club, to "talk" about the longtime rapper's Dallas tour stop. I found Harvey online at the V-Spot (vh1.com) pimping his workout video, offering advice and cutting the masses down to size, so I assumed his pre-recorded clips could offer some insight on Biz.

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More About

• Biz Markie
• Celebrity Fit Club
• Gilbert O'Sullivan
• Television
• Reality Shows

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What was your reaction to Biz's 40-pound weight loss on the show?

Harvey: Outstanding. Awesome. What you want me to do, shit some doggone sneakers?

No. Absolutely not.

Harvey: That don't make no doggone sense.

Harvey, seriously. Are you proud of Markie's success?

Harvey: If you can get through this, then you definitely have my dang-gone respect.

Were you upset when he was targeted during that sampling lawsuit with Gilbert O'Sullivan after "Alone Again"?

Harvey: Insanely crazy. That is just so not me. You want Ant [host of Celebrity Fit Club] with his fuckin' weave sayin' that one.

Do you think Markie peaked with "Just a Friend," or was "Throw Back" from 2003'sWeekend Warrior as pivotal a song in his career?

Harvey: It's like this...You get back in that firefight! Go two at a time, get to the top, ring that bell and come back down. Biz is comin' after you!

Uh...you mean he kept producing quality work. Correct?

Harvey: You amaze me, you really amaze me. Forgive me, it was just a bit hard to understand.

Harvey: It's like burning bad gas out of a car. Once you burn it--that bad gas--out you don't want to put it back in.

Right. OK. Do you think that Biz's success on the show will inspire him to stay healthy while touring?

Harvey: First thing you can do is start exercising and stop eating so doggone much.

I'm sure you meant "you" universally.

Harvey: ...It seems like I do all the wrong things.

No, it's cool. What was one thing you could tell Biz that would really motivate him during the show?

Harvey: Pull your damn pants up, Biz! Give me 110 percent! I can go back there and take a dump in the toilet and lose two pounds. One pound? You can fart more than that. You an animal, man.

Wow, Harvey, this was reallyeducational. Thanks for your time, and I look forward to seeing you berate more celebrities on the next season.

Harvey: You better be fuckin' watchin' it! Salsa this, mutha-fu... Y'all are gonna use all this, aren't ya? I am so fuckin' crazy. [under his breath] I gotta stop cursin', man.