By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Why do more Mexicans worship Che Guevara than Argentines? I don't think we even give a shit about him. --Maradona Maiden
Dear Gabacha Wab,
You're one to trash Mexicans for revering a long-dead Argentine--how's Evita's corpse holding up these days? Besides, we suffer from the same condition--caudillismo, a sociological phenomenon that sees nations fall under the sway of a charismatic individual who promises to deliver power and wealth to the masses, then gets powerful and wealthy as the masses starve and the opposition gets disappeared. Historians love to pin this malady exclusively on Latin America, but gabachos suffer from it as well--nothing else can explain why George W. Bush is president. Che worship amongst Mexicans, however, features a few more wrinkles than the usual caudillismocauses. Guevara, for one, was an immigrant--left Argentina for revolution--who remade his life in Mexico when he met Fidel Castro. He died young, like all good Mexican men. Che was a romantic--can't tell you how many pro-immigrant activist e-mails end with Guevara's famous quote, "At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that a true revolutionary is guided by great feelings of love." More important, Guevara wasn't afraid to use violence as a method to his means in the pursuit of his love, the love that dare not speak its name except through the barrel of a gun. Don't believe Chicanos: While César Chávez advocated non-violence, Mexicans like their leaders armed to the gold teeth--think Emiliano Zapata, Pancho Villa, Subcomandante Marcos. And now you know why democracy has never existed in Mexico. Dear Mexican,
Whenever I badmouth illegal immigration at work, many of my Latina co-workers automatically assume I'm badmouthing Mexicans. Why do Mexicans always think that when agabachoexpresses dislike toward illegal immigrants that they're talking about Mexicans? --Fences Make Good Neighbors
Where to begin...where does Bush want to deploy the National Guard? To the MEXICAN border. What pissed off the FOX News nation a couple of weeks ago? A SPANISH-language version of the National Anthem. What was gabachos' biggest complaint during the March marches and student walk-outs? All those damn MEXICAN flags. What immigrant group does influential neocon Harvard historian Samuel Huntington argue will destroy the United States? MEXICANS. Which country do many conservatives accuse of trying to take over the southwest United States? MEXICO. You can argue that Mexicans warrant the attention since they constitute more than half of all illegal immigrants in los Estados Unidos, Fences, but you gotta ask at some point: Why don't the Lou Dobbses of the world rail against the Guatemalan aliens amongst us or the 25 to 40 percent of illegal immigrants who came here legally but overstayed their visas? Simple: Because none of those groups are MEXICAN. You can talk about fences making good neighbors, Fences, but your anti-immigrant amigosdon't like barriers put between "Mexican" and "illegal immigrant."
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at email@example.com. And those of you who do submit questions: Include a hilarious pseudonym,por favor, or we'll make one up for you!