Into the Dark

It's only hours before the anticipated start of the "No, Seriously...Where'd Our Careers Go? 2022 Tour." Of the three acts that were to join me at the Dallas Taco-Bucks-Hut Bistro for appetizers, only Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie and Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes have shown up.

Death Cab hasn't performed sinceThe OC went off the air. What reunited you guys?

Gibbard: Ever since I stopped writing lyrics about how I was feeling--you know, that shoegazer shit--anxieties have been building up inside me. Two summers ago--you might've read about this--I snapped and swerved my car into that marching band. Anyway, I need an outlet and, well, cash for my legal defense.

And where have you been, Conor?

Oberst: After releasing the 2008 quadruple record that explored my interests in prog-rock, Irish folk music, rockabilly and, of course, Latin jazz, I realized America wasn't ready for my forward-thinking vision. And when my 2010 underground house party mixtape flopped, I slipped into a deep depression. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have taken musical advice from so many of my has-been actress girlfriends at the time.

Gibbard:You're such a pussy.

Oberst: This from the guy who sings "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" at bat mitzvahs to make his minivan payment.

The third member of this interview finally arrives: Nick Lachey, 49 years old and still as attractive as he was when 98 changed music forever.

Nick, some people say you're a bad fit for this lineup.

Lachey: I'm the bad fit? These guys are opening for me. Who the hell even knows who Death Cab for Cutie and Bright Eyes are anymore?

Gibbard: Man, I so hate you.

Lachey: It might be almost 25 years since I even saw the tail end of a Top 50 countdown, but I'm still the guy who banged Jessica Simpson every night for three years.

Gibbard: Man, I so hate you.

Oberst: Me too.

Me too.