By Kelly Dearmore
By Jim Schutze
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Besides making a ranchload of money by conning legions of white trash fans with sordid tales of stroking pussy fur with the back of his hand, Uncle Ted not only shares some important historical ties with Dubya--the Nuge ranch is in Crawford, sure, and they also both found ways to avoid duty in Vietnam--but his ultra-right-wing diatribes should placate heavenly leg pressers like Pat Robertson who are dissatisfied with the current president's half-assed take on immigration. Take it away, Theodocious Atrocious.
"Foreigners are assholes," Nugent once said on a Detroit radio station. "I don't want them downwind of my life." Well, amen to that! Here's to hoping Ted props up a protective wall along the Mexican border that blares "Cat Scratch Fever" over and over, ensuring that anybody who tries to illegally cross will at least be annoyed beyond belief.
On gay marriage, Nugent is perfectly in sync with those bastions of Beltway morality: "I think homosexuality is an abomination," he said in an interview with British publication The Independent. Sure, he fathered an out-of-wedlock child in 1995 and was served papers for increased support of said child in 2004, but his by-the-book sin and deviancy was heterosexual, dammit! That's American.
On Iraq, Nugent has held, "Our failure has been not to Nagasaki them." Talk about a hawk. Nugent will make even Rumsfeld seem like a milquetoast. Come Ted's reign, the military industrial complex will anxiously await orders to "Hiroshima" any critic who dares speak ill of the Damn Yankees or any Nugent release post-1979.
Of course, the center of any Nugent campaign will be his outspoken advocacy for gun ownership rights. Nugent has served on the National Rifle Association's board of directors for more than a decade. Owner of more than 350 guns himself, Sweaty Teddy thrilled the delegates at the NRA convention in 2005 with lines such as "Only cowards support gun control" (at his weekend concert stop, try yelling that out as a song request).
So don't fret, red states. The only thing you have to fear is the swift Nuge justice you deserve. And whiny liberals, don't worry; you have an out. After disagreeing with Canadian hunting policy, Nugent publicly swore that he will never step foot above our northern border again, so if he wins, well...you know where to flee. The Nuge is on the loose, ready to mix and mingle with Karl Rove, anxious to march into the Capitol accompanied by the dulcet tones of "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang. "