Rattling Chains

In preparation for the upcoming Alice in Chains concert, we wandered back behind the spotlights and the expansive monitors of the stage at Nokia Theatre. And we found we weren't alone. Though we saw no one, we heard voices in the dressing room:

Layne Staley: I mean, I suppose I should just get used to it? I'm so down in a hole.

Michael Hutchence: Well, they have replaced us. Believe me, I saw the worst of it here in June. Been stuck here since. JD Fortune! What kind of name is that?

LS: But Mike, man, I was surfing aliceinchains.com, and Jerry clearly stated he wasn't trying to replace me. Like, no new album with this William Duvall character, this singer. They just wanted to play the songs again.

MH: No new album?! You are so lucky.

LS: Huh?

MH: Hey, stop tapping that vein and pay attention. INXS is hammin' it up, man. They even had a bloody TV show to find that asshole. And that's after they tried like 15 other cats over the years. In 1999, they tried fuckin' Terence Trent D'Arby for chrissake. I couldn't even believe that shit.

LS: Yikes, man. I had no idea.

MH: Yeah, well...

LS: I dunno, I guess I just want to rock out again. C'mon, we'd been doing it since high school.

MH: Hey, same here. We were just lads in uniforms when we started jammin'.

LS: The innocence, man. Shit. That was way before "Man in the Box." Speaking of which, ever noticed that it gets played on the radio even though it says "shit"? Dude, that was a real coup. People eat that up!

MH: You think "shit" is cool? What about "Original Sin"? Layne, we tackled interracial dating. That's some heavy crap.

LS: Um, "Rooster," hello? Try freakin' Vietnam, man. And if you're not going to hit that shit, pass it over here.

MH: Down, boy! Take your time...romance it a little.

LS: What up, ladies' man?

MH: Yeah, well, I may be a spirit traumatized by the progression of my band and trapped in a Grand Prairie arena, but I am still devastatingly sexy. A sexual being that experien--

LS: Yeah, I got it. Hey, is it true?

MH: Is what true?

LS: That whole autoerotic accident thing.

MH: I'll make a deal with you, Layne. I'll give you the answer when you tell me if it's true that your cat really ate your face off.

LS: Fair enough.