By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Alice Laussade
By Scott Reitz
Reporters are nosy people. That's what they pay us for. That's where we scored highest on our vocational aptitude tests—minding other people's business. Some reporters, such as the ones who discover Firestone tires blow up or that carrots give you cancer of the hair, save people's lives by being nosy. They get to ask deep, probing questions such as "How long will it take for us to pull out of the (fill in the blank) war?" or "How many people died in Rwanda?" But when we're interviewing a 16-year-old rapper who, bless his heart, stumbled onto a hit single, even though the poor thing can't spell "single," there's nothing deep or probing we can ask. At the same time, we can't just shoot the breeze and down a few beers with the kid, either.
But inside our heads, there are other questions floating around, questions that would break a PR rep's heart. Here are the questions reporters wish they could ask, but can't:
5) How much do your titties weigh?
Yes, you, with your big, giant titties that are the size of my head, how much do those puppies weigh exactly? Can you sleep on your back or would they crush your rib cage?
4) Couldn't you tell s/he was marrying you for your money?
Come on, Britney. Be honest. You know he was after your dollars, don't be ashamed.
Have you ever seen Chris Rock's wife? She is beautiful, and no way she would be with that scrawny loudmouth if he wasn't pulling down the big bucks.
3) Who told you that you could sing?
Could somebody pleasetell Jamie Foxx that he was just actinglike Ray Charles and that the movie is over? And Ashlee Simpson, who erroneously told you that you could sing? They lied. You can't. So, please, just stop.
2) Why is all your stuff hanging out?
When Lil' Kim went on the 1999 MTV Awards, her outfit exposed her left breast. A sequined pastie covered her nipple, but other than that it was pretty much just hanging out there. Even Diana Ross had to cop a feel, and she cupped Lil' Kim's titty. That wasn't the start of the trend, but it did seem to kick things into high gear, and since then, women artists have been wearing increasingly smaller outfits, see-through tops, shorter skirts and skinnier thongs. Why? It usually ain't pretty. Whatever we can see, we can smell. And nobody wants to see/smell your ass. For real.
1) Where do you buy your hair?
Solange Knowles, girlfriend, if on Tuesday your hair is shoulder-length while on Friday it is halfway down your back, we know you went out and bought it. And really, that's cool, but hey, don't keep it a secret. Some of us might need some new hair too. Spill. Where did you buy that silky, Korean imitation human hair, and who sewed it to your head?