By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Alice Laussade
By Scott Reitz
'Twas a week before Christmas, when all through Grand Prairie,
Slow jams were straight stirring, courtesy KR&B.
A Grown and Sexy Christmas, you get the idea;
A half-dozen new jack swingers performing at Nokia.
The kids were nestled all snug in their beds,
While an overpaid sitter watched over their heads.
Mama in her hooker pumps and I in my church shoes
Had just paid 14 bucks to park six miles from the venue.
Dance party classics and tear-spraying ballads,
The crowd ate it up like free pasta salad.
Then what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a magical flashback, goin' back many years.
Pop singer Johnny Kemp, if split into fractions
Looks one half Clarence Clemons, one half Tracy Chapman.
Kinda sounds like DeBarge condensed in one dude,
Singing songs to rock bottoms and put girls in the mood.
Silk then returns from the depths of obscurity
To drop some more drawers and promote promiscuity.
More rapid than eagles their groupies then came,
And they whistled and shouted and called them by name!
"Now, Darla! Now, Debra! Now, Peggy and Vicky!
On, Carla! On, Chrissy! On, Donna and Ricki!
To the flank of the shaft! To the underside of my balls!
Now freak it! Freak on! Freak one and freak all!"
Dressed in baggy, pleated, stonewashed Girbaud jeans,
A Cross Colours jacket of orange, purple and green,
And a shiny white pair of brand-new Reebok Pumps.
Well, probably not, I made up all that stuff.
Keith Sweat set the mood for sweet, tender romancin'
With the aid of his band and a few backup dancers.
However "sexy," regardless how "grown,"
The evening eventually drew to a close.
They sprang to their limos, to their entourages gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard them exclaim, 'ere they drove out of sight,
"A Grown and Sexy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"