By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
I will stop smoking.
I will not run for mayor.
I will not watch the video of Saddam Hussein's hanging. Again.
I will lose 23 pounds.
I will stop doing Borat impressions. You likes? Nice.
I will learn to hold on to the football.
I will learn how to ballroom dance just for you.
I will find 25 million reasons to hire a new publicist.
I will not drive southbound on the Dallas North Tollway after 4:54 p.m.
I will not coach the Dallas Cowboys next season.
I will learn an instrument.
I will stop blogging about Jessica Simpson.
I will not let my husband run for mayor.
I will stop making My Pet Goatjokes when referring to the George W. Bush Presidential Library.
I will make the comics bigger and get rid of the Religion section.
I will keep referring to the missus as "the franchise player," as she seems to like it.
I will catch the ball when it's thrown between my numbers, 8 and 1.
I will stop referring to $60 as "a lot of money" when playing poker with friends who consistently lose $1,000 or more.
I will engage in fear-mongering.
I will get my facts straight.
I will open a record store.
I will stop teasing everything except my chest hair.
I will start going to Club Clearview more often. (What's that you say?)
I will learn math.
I will send 20,000 more troops to fight the War on Christmas.
I will stop referring to people at Ghostbar as "my fellow douchebags."
I will stop auditioning for Prison Break from prison.
I will stop calling Nobu and asking them, "Have you shut down yet?"
I will do the crime, but only if I can find the time.
I will learn to enjoy poetry or die trying.
I will admit that voting for Kinky Friedman was, yeah, maybe a waste of a perfectly good vote.
I will remove my Bluetooth earpiece during church services and sex.
I will stop blaming the media.
I will get that job at PaperCitythis year.
I will stop asking people how their weekend was.
I will expect them to extend to me the same courtesy.
I will stop getting divorced.
I will stop trying to make John Wiley Price like me.
I will work on being named "Texan of the Year." Again.
I will stop listening to Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." If only.
I will stop giving the homeless I.O.U.s.
I will stop hugging co-workers.
I will put more ounce into my bounce.
I will stop drunk-dialing Lupe Valdez at 2:48 every morning.
I will stop getting my news solely from Jon Stewart.
I will stop using the words "holmes," "s'up," "dawg" and "peeps."
I will stop ending phone conversations with my male friends by saying, "No, you hang up first."
I will vote for Zac Crain, unless someone makes me a better offer.
I will stop taking pictures of me and my friends standing next to penis-shaped candles.
I will stop blaming this irrational rage on Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I will take off my tinfoil pyramid hat and admit that humans are in fact causing global warming.
I will stop referring to my drug habit as "me time."
I will personally fill every pothole on Ross Avenue by Passover.
I will stop cockfighting, but not cock-knocking.
I will stop trying to be an "alternaparent."
I will care less.
I will stop meeting people by asking them to "pull my finger."
I will not stop seeing movies with the number "3" after them.
I will close a record store.
I will stop voting straight Democrat.
I will stop trying to keep Mexicans out of Farmers Branch.
I will go down to Deep Ellum and not be afraid.
I will stop suing the Dallas County jail for being "too sticky."
I will stop referring to city council member Angela Hunt as "my future second ex-wife."
I-eeeee-I will always love you.
I will stop treating public schools like private schools.
I will make a short film and enter it in a film festival for blind people.
I will stop referring to myself as a "foodie."
I will Run the Rock.
I will stop referring to water pipes as "bongs." (Sorry, people who work at Gas Pipe.)
I will stop panhandling, but not smoking in restaurants.
I will stop watching KXAS-Channel 5 news.
I will stop getting remarried.
I will stop telling people "Good luck with that rape trial" as they're getting off the elevator.
I will stop pretending blogs are "important" and "well-read."
I will stop wearing a Batman costume under my work clothes.
I will give Craig Watkins a chance, if only because you never know when I will be arrested.
I will stop talking on my cell phone while driving, unless it's a really important call from you.
I will stop referring to my move to University Park from Highland Park as "slumming it."
I will start recycling cardboard so it can be used to help construct the Calatrava bridge.
I will remove Romosexual.blogspot.com from my bookmarks.
I will stop saying everything's a "Man Law."
I will spend more time with the kid and less time writing New Year's resolutions two weeks after January 1.
Fine, I will run for mayor.