ĦAsk a Mexican!

Dear Mexican,

Why is it that from my personal, thoroughly unscientific observations it seems blue-collar, illiterate Mexicans are more prone to cheating on their wives than other races? Almost every other Mexican I have known seems to brag about how they got it on with their mamacitas while their wife and daughters of 7 and 8 were busy at church.

—Cheatie Cheatie Bang Bang

Dear Gabacho,

You're right, sort of. In the landmark 1994 "Sex in America: A Definitive Survey," researchers from the University of Chicago interviewed a random sample of 3,500 Americans and found that 25 percent of married men had strayed from their vows. Latino rates of infidelity were about the same, and lead researcher Edward Laumann told Hispanic Magazine that "he believed the stereotype of Latinos being more unfaithful than other people was overstated." But there weren't enough funds to create a Spanish-language questionnaire, meaning most of the 300 or so Latinos surveyed were pochos and not immigrant Mexican men. In the mother country, though, male infidelity is as Mexican as the tricolor: condoned by the church, tolerated by women, lionized in song. My favorite paean to cheating remains "Las Ferias de las Flores" ("The Flower Fairs"), a Chucho Monge composition immortalized by Trio Calavera that uses flowers as metaphors for mujeres and includes the immortal verse, "And although another wants to cut her/I saw her first/And I vow to steal her/Even if she has a gardener." So the question isn't why Mexican men cheat, Cheatie, but rather why we tone down our tools upon immigrating to this country. Notch another victory for Manifest Destiny, which, since the days of Cotton Mather, has labored long and hard to turn this nation's virile ethnic men into pussy Protestants.

Dear Mexican,

I am a 22-year-old gay Chicano, and I love Mexican men. I'm everything a gay Mexican could wish for. I work full-time. I don't do drugs. But all the gay Mexicanhombres in Kansas City just want white guys! I think this might be because in Mexico, the only white people these guys see are tourists, so Mexicans viewgabachos as having money and offering a better opportunity for a successful relationship. Why can't I get a nice Mexican guy? Should I assimilate more to white standards, because I always speak Spanish with the guys I meet, I always want to make enchiladas and horchata, and I use Suavitel with Ariel laundry detergent? If any cute, nice Mexican gays should read this, give a Chicano a chance!

—Mariposa Sin Estar Descubrido

Dear Butterfly Without Getting Discovered,

So you work full-time and don't do drugs. Big deal. I know muchos gays who fit that description and ain't getting Mexican male ass, either. I can tell you how to score more brown nalgas, but you seem too nice for the Marines. And don't worry, Butterfly: Although I sympathize with your plight, I also see hope. I get many letters from straight beaners moaning about how Mexican men and women eschew their own kind in favor of gabachos. Your case is further proof that jotoscan be as superficial as Mexican heteros—an important first step in the battle to improve the status of gays in Mexico from "target practice" to "human trash."

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. Those of you who do submit questions: They will be edited for clarity,cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!