Dear Xtina

Girl, I am soooo proud of you! Remember back in the day, when everyone was dissin' you, saying you were never gonna last, and how Britney had so much more substance? Well look at that backwoods bitch now! Madonna so totally made the wrong choice. I mean, look how you've matured, how you've taken it all to the next level, while that pantyless ho sits in the boondocks, eatin' ribs and then a-pickin' the gristle out of her teeth with Paris Hilton. I've already paid my $55 to $85 through ticketmaster.com for a seat at your upcoming gig in Dallas, just so I can cheer you on. And you know, by the time you finish your performance—cuz, lady, it's more than a show—at American Airlines Center on Wednesday, when you unveil your new persona, that classy-ass persona, with furs and Bettie Page updos and your soulful voice working up a soulful, almost throwback kinda repertoire, Miss "I Married Snatch" is gonna be begging to kiss you at the next MTV Video Awards! Love, Jonanna.
Wed., Feb. 21